If So, What?

In order for information to do any good in your life you must first apply it.  The way you date really shows what kind of marriage you're gonna have. 

There are certain processes that one must simply go through before you can have a successful marriage.  These processes are dating, courting, engagement, and marriage.

  Let's look at the first process: dating.

Many people believe that dating is choosing to go on a couple dates with someone, and once you go on about two to four dates then all of a sudden you're a couple. Why? I have no idea. There is a distinct difference between dating someone and going on dates with someone.

We are encouraged by modern prophets to date lots of people and get to know lots of people. This opens the window of many opportunities in getting to know others. In some people you may like their certain characteristics while others you may like their personality. Compare some poeple to others based on what you're interested in and what you would like in a companion. Marriage is a really big decision, so it's much better to see what is out there than rushing into marriage blindly.

Dating also allows interaction with the opposite gender. People are able to practice their unique gender roles in dating as well. A women is able to practice her primary roles of nurturing those she dates. She can do so by being kind and caring to those men she goes on dates with. This is great practice for when she will have to interact with her husband in marriage. Men, on the other hand, will be able to practice his roles in providing for her when dating. He will be the one initiating and planning the dates, paying for the date, and getting to know her better by pairing off.

Courting is the next step in the process to marriage. Courting is when a couple is exclusively dating another person. Courting should happen when one is ready for a companion in their life. This stage is more of a commitment with that other person. Their attachment to them emotionally, spiritually, and physically is stronger. Therefore, if they were to ever break up, what would that mean?

Research shows that when one becomes attached to someone, it makes it harder to attach in other places. This shows in adults in courting and also is shown in children. While a child is more familiar with their home environment, moving to a different one can be really hard and rather painful. In a breakup, the couple with that deep attachment are in pain because that attachment has been broken and changed. It becomes harder for them to move on in life.

The third process is the engagement. In the engagement, couples are practicing patterns and making decisions that they will have to when they are married. Some couples court for a long time then have a shorter engagement. Others have a shorter courting life but a really long engagement. Is there a negative impact in their married lives on how long they court one another and are engaged?

This brings me to my last point which is marriage. Studies show that those who have a shorter courting relationship and longer engagement have more negative outcomes in their marriages than those who have courted longer with shorter engagements. It takes a lot of time to really get to know a person, so for lots of people, having shorter courtships doesn't work well. That time for couples to really get to know the other person is extremely necessary.

The way a couple courts leaks into their marriage. This can be good and bad. If the couple has good healthy habits with their own lives as well as their romantic life, those good habits will follow them into their marriage. The opposite is true as well. If there are still things one or both of the individuals need to fix that could impact their marriage negatively, those should be changed.

Dating, courting, engagement and marriage is a process that takes time. Marriage is a big decision, so be sure to stay smart about it! :)






 

Get the one you want

Ladies, I know we all have that one cute guy we saw at the other end of the classroom whom we want to ask us out on a date. Gentlemen, same goes for you with the that cute girl you noticed at that lunch table. Should you ask that attractive person to hangout with you and some friends, or is it safe to ask them on an official date?

 When does it become a date vs a hangout?

I feel that our culture today is becoming more and more casual in the world of dating. More young adults are hanging out rather than dating, which in turn can cause a lot of problems if in search to find a future companion. How do we prepare ourselves more for marriage? Do the ways we live now affect our married lives?

If you want to be more prepared for marriage, you have to stop hanging out. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, of the quorum of the twelve apostles, first explains this concept to women in his General Conference talk titled "Dating versus Hanging Out".

"Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door."

Elder Oaks emphasizes a similar statement for young men:

"Men, if you have returned from your mission and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It’s marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it. If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off."

I'm sure we all have different views on what is considered a date as opposed to hanging out. Let's talk about these three concepts that differ a date from a hangout:

1. In a date, the activity is planned.

A man makes a conscious decision to ask her out that he follows through with, she agrees to go and congratulations, it's a date. He plans out a specific activity to do for the date, they go on their date, they have a good time getting to know one another, and in some cases the guy will get a second date out of it that could potentially go somewhere. Simple as that.

So often in hanging out, young adults go to each others apartments and just chill or watch a movie. Nothing planned, just "hanging out." It's a stress free, laid back environment where everyone can just sit and have a good time. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out. However, if you're trying to find an eternal companion, hanging out is not the best option.

2. The date is paid for.

He calls her and asks her on a date in which he takes the initiative to provide the money to pay for dinner/the activity.

When you're hanging out with a person and you go to an activity, both people end up paying with their own money; each to their own. This is fine, nothing wrong with it...as long as neither of them are counting it as a date, because it's not one. ;)

3. The couple is paired off.

Boys, when you're on a date with a girl, you tend to feel more responsible for that girl's safety, right? This is also the same concept for girls, she wants to feel safe with you. On this date, your focus is on each other. You spend time getting to know that one person, their likes and dislikes, discovering qualities in that person, etc.

While hanging out, the focus is more on the group. That feel of responsibility could either diminish, or if there's one guy hanging out with a lot of girls, that guy could feel responsible for all those girls' safety and well-being. That heightens the stress for that guy in making sure all the girls are okay.

How does this apply for preparing for marriage and raising a family?

There are three concepts that we can apply to the three that Elder Oak's had just mentioned. They are provide, preside, and protect.

1. Provide

In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, we learn the importance of providing in the family. It states they are to "provide for their [children's] physical and spiritual needs." Providing is similar to "paid for" because the husband generally wants to work, providing for his wife and their family. He wants to be useful in the family so his wife can have those resources available in helping take care of the kids. Both parents are committed in the relationship and taking care of their family.

2. Preside

Presiding is similar to planning, because presiding focuses on what's most important in the family. Planning vacations, figuring out the financial situations, or how to run the family. Both parents work together in how they would like to live their family lives. This takes a lot of communication as well, so both parents are on the same page with everything so the home can run smoothly.

3. Protect

The Family Proclamation says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." This is similar to "paired off" because both the mother and the father are putting one another first and providing for their family together. They are thinking about the basic needs for their children and living by those standards as well as keeping one another taken care of.

The best predictor of future behavior is current behavior. If you want to live by these ways, you need to practice them now. I feel like people tend to think that once they're married, their lives will magically change into perfection. However, that's not the case, ever. Dating takes effort, and in turn so does marriage. It takes two people to continue to feed a relationship and continue to commitment to one another.

 If you want to have a good and healthy dating life with your partner, you must practice it BEFORE you decide to get married. Patterns and habits you have now will leak into your married life. If you don't want certain things in your married and future life, I suggest you change something starting now.

Go meet someone new, go ask someone out! :) 

Born that Way

Are people born homosexual, or is that learned?

This is the question many of us have. I feel the topic of homosexuality is a very tender topic that should be carefully discussed. Not many people enjoy discussing this topic, however I think it is an important one. What is the real science behind homosexuality and what makes someone think they are gay or lesbian?

Click here for a video titled "Understanding Same-sex Attraction". This video illustrates the research behind homosexuality. A few males who have been struggling with same-sex attraction are interviewed about their experiences in how they felt like they were homosexual. One of the interviewees from the video is named Caleb, and I will use him as an example throughout this post.

There are main points each person had in common:

1. A wounded gender identity

A five year old boy who has only older sisters who play dress up with him, do his nails and play dolls with him won't know "boys don't generally do that." He will think it's fun and normal. When he goes to kindergarten and starts interacting with peers his own age, he will most likely want to fit in with the other boys. Those boys most likely won't play dolls, dress up and do nails cause that's not what a typical boy does. He may not feel like he fits in with the other boys because he only grew up with sisters. That could cause him to be confused as to why those boys are playing with trucks and play fighting instead of playing with dolls.

When Caleb was younger, he wanted to fit in with the other boys. He was always one of the skinnier guys, so he had a hard time playing sports and being one of the "big guys." What happened because of that?

He ended up feeling inadequate, and didn't think he fit in with those other boys. Others would mention his small size, in which he perceived it in a negative way and would wonder if there was something wrong with him just because others thought him as "different." When someone perceives that they're an outcast, it is just as powerful as being rejected.

Caleb also wanted to be a father when he grew up. He struggled with this concept because of those thoughts of confusion in wondering if he really was different than everyone else. He thought he was "outside" of being able to become a father and worried if he could ever love another woman like a straight guy would.

2. Bullying

The five year old's peers would notice that he doesn't play with trucks and boy toys, so therefore he must be "different." When one kid thinks another is weird or different, that can lead to bullying. Bullying is very common at every age, but when a five year old is bullied, that is devastating. That child only wants acceptance and to be liked by his peers. This five year old boy is only trying to fit in with his peers, but they reject him. They make fun of him being "different" and therefore this causes the boy to disconnect himself from other boys.

Bullying doesn't have to happen only with peers, it can happen at home. Caleb was teased by his family for being different and not looking like the typical guy in size. This was a big negative turning point in his life because his own family would reject him. Where else did he have to turn?

3. Father hunger

Many families who have a father who isn't around much in the home, they are abusive, or they aren't connected with their children in some way can cause negative effects in the family. That lack of a father figure can cause an emotional hole of attachment to form in the child's needs. That child feels disconnected and hungry for a bond he's not getting, and those feelings aren't going to go away. That child will go searching for something, anything, to fill those needs.

4. Mother confusion

Some sons who struggle with same-sex attraction are either over connected with their mothers or they are smothered by their mother. For example, let's say they grow up in a family whom the mother is the overpowering one to make all the decisions while the father holds back or isn't around. That could give the son the impression that men are weak and women are the ones who in a sense "overrule". This leads to the confusion in what his role as a boy is to be.

5. Inappropriate touch

When Caleb was about five or six, he was molested by someone. He explains that that effected him greatly.

Some people who are molested at such a young age may not understand what it is they're feeling or if that act was okay. It petrifies and damages them at a very deep emotional level. Touch is powerful, and when it's abused that can leave a deep mark.

6. Pornography

There are lots of people who have a problem/addiction to pornography; it's not just a men problem, it's a human problem. Actively searching for pornography reinforces those feelings of arousal and bonding, in this case for the one struggling in same-sex attraction. It places those images in their brain and connects it with those sexual feelings. At least 75% of men who struggle with same-sex attraction have a problem with pornography.

The interviewees in the video explained that they were addicted to pornography, in which didn't help their struggle at all. It reinforced it and it became harder and harder to change. It took them great effort on their part with therapy and other support to stop searching out pornography and ultimately get over lusting after their same sex.

Pornography is destructive to everyone, not just those struggling with homosexuality. It's destructive to the individual and damages relationships like no other.

As we see these six different ways that each interviewee had in common, what does this tell us about homosexuality?

These were EVENTS that lead up to thoughts of being homosexual, the big one starting off as their own gender identity only because people thought they were "different".

The video tells of a study about identical twins and their DNA. They looked at 33,000 pairs of twins. The study shows if one twin was homosexual genetically, the other twin would have to be homosexual 100%. However, they found that when one twin was homosexual, the other twin was homosexual only 11% of the time.

What sort of hope does this give us? If people typically aren't born homosexual, what does that mean for those who do struggle with feelings of homosexuality?

We all have agency and we all make choices. Therefore, those struggling with homosexuality can choose to change, and that is beautiful. But change isn't easy, and that's why people are afraid to try.

Caleb tells of his experience. Once he was able to ponder his life, noticing those moments that may have lead up to his feelings of same-sex attraction, he was able to feel better as to who he was. He realized that he had that power to change, and he didn't HAVE to stay homosexual. He could grow out of it, he could find a wife and love her more than anything and he could be a father.

He explained that once he was able to work through those feelings, he noticed what happened one day when he was hanging out with a group of guys. He could, for the first time in a long time, look at them and those feelings of lust were completely gone. Instead, he admired them for what kind of person they were.

Caleb's big turning point was being accepted as a guy, not a homosexual. He felt connection, he felt love, and he became happy for who he had become. I think it's incredible.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to change, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't impossible. We can all change and become who WE want to be because we have that choice.

That is beautiful.

Boys will be Girls

"We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." -Glora Steinham

Is this statement true? Are boys and girls so much the same in which we need to raise them the same, or are they different?

Boys and girls have the same basic needs: survival, self-esteem, intimacy, and growth. As we look deeper into the needs for males and females, we will begin to see as to why men and women act differently.

When you put children together in a room with lots of toys, what do we notice? The girls tend to do more social play, relationship oriented and are more sensitive and caring. They will comb the Barbie's hair, rock the baby doll back and forth. The boys tend to play more aggressive, rough housing and spatial, making toy guns out of Legos or knocking down blocks with trucks. What causes these differences in their playing? Is it because that's just how parents taught them to be, or are they just naturally like that?

Biologically, men and women aren't the same. When a wife becomes pregnant, her biological motives are to create that baby inside of her. Her husbands biological motives are to protect her and their family. Therefore, our different functions allow us to live together in such a way that they compliment one another.

Women have a hormone called oxytocin that's responsible in helping nurture, bond, and love. If a kitten were to nurse from a female dog, the dog would accept the kitten because that chemical bond is present from the oxytocin. She would be accepting and love that kitten; it's built in their nature.

Men have a hormone called testosterone that causes them to be more aggressive and competitive. This is why men primarily like to be the ones to initiate situations, play rough with another, or protect their families; it's built in their nature.

Our roles as being nurturers/aggressive appear to be natural rather than learned. Let's look at this in a more spiritual setting.

President Gordon B. Hinckley tells us about the responsibilities and roles as male and female, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, and children. In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, he states, "All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God. Each beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny."

I love that statement because it lets me know I have a purpose on this earth with who I am.

The proclamation continues, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal destiny and purpose...by divine design, fathers are to preside over the families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."

God has specifically made a plan to carry out these individual roles as male and female so we can help one another out. It's good that boys and girls are different; they're complimentary. That's the way it was meant to be from the very beginning when God created us.

What do you have to say about this? Feel free to leave a comment because I would love to have a discussion with you! :)