We made it!!

Whew! Look at what we've learned these past few months about families. If there is one thing I'd say concerning this topic, it's this: families take work, it's hard, but so worth it in the end.

We've learned about the family system, boundaries, causes and effects in ways to raise children, same gender attraction, dating vs hanging out and how dating relates to marriage, Reuben Hill's Theory, communicating, and much more. We have come a long way, so now it's time to apply it.

Start off today by pondering about something you can do better as a parent or sibling, a daughter or son in your own family. You might be thinking about how you need to serve someone more willingly, or how you have a rigid boundary preventing you from forming a healthy relationship with someone else. You could be thinking you have no idea how you're going to pay off finances by the end of this month or how you need to listen to your children's emotional needs more closely. There are many things you could be thinking about.

Don't be so overwhelmed; start with just one. Write that one thing down you wish to change in your life for the better and then get up and DO IT. I promise, it will feel weird at first, especially if it's regarding your own relationship with someone else. However, with continual practice and a willing heart, it will soon begin to not feel like a chore but a desire. That desire will keep growing the more you practice and improve.

Here are some additional resources on improving your personal and family life:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box by the Arbinger Institute

A Letter to my Parents

A made up letter from a daughter to her parents based on research and study shown that parents are allowing their children to be the boss without even realizing it.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have graduated from High School and am soon moving on to my adult life. This time in my life is so critical for my development; there will be times when I won't act like I want you in my life. You will become afraid to step up and show me who's boss. I will reject your help and advice and I won't listen to you. You're going to think that I really don't need your wise parental advice. However, the truth is the complete opposite.

As a young adult, I am going to be making the biggest decisions of my life. I will need some counsel and direction from the two wisest people I know. I am going to mess up, and when I do I will need you to be ready to pick up my pieces. I am going to give up on myself many times while I am in college, but I need you there to tell me to keep going. I am going to get my heart broken not once but several times by boys whom I thought loved me. I need you to be the one to remind me I am not the definition of their opinions of my worth. I need you to be behind me when I fall short from what I am capable of. I am your daughter, and that means everything.

Where did this all start? What is causing my relationship with you to feel so separated?

A toddler sitting at the dinner table, her parents encouraging her to eat her food. She didn't want to eat it, so they asked her, "Could you do us a favor? Could you eat your veggies for us?" That young girl learned from an early age that she had to eat her food only to please her parents, and so did I.

I learned that snacks were better than what was actually good for my development, and that healthy foods were gross. "Honey, you can eat this brownie when you take a bite of your apple." Doing that only caused me to think, "Since I did daddy a favor, he needs to repay me." Therefore, that power has been put into my hands and I became the one in charge. Role confusion: I didn't fully understand that you were actually the boss.

This has affected the rest of my childhood. When you would ask me to do something, I didn't fully understand the reasons behind why I had to obey you. You are my parents, your roles were to teach me and I was supposed to listen.

Recently, I was surfing through Facebook when I found an article called,  "The Collapse of Parenting: Why it's Time for Parents to Grow Up". The article explains the different roles between parents and children and how those roles are changing over time. Parents are recognizing that they don't want to raise their children exactly how their own parents raised them. There are good things coming from this.

Nowadays, parents are encouraged to teach their children the nutritional values behind each food, and that food isn't "good" or "bad" but rather "healthy" and "not as healthy". This teaching between parents and their child has many positive benefits; it teaches the child what's good to eat, it bonds them with their parent, and shows the child their parents are the teacher; the boss.

Parents used to tell their children what to eat. Now, parents are showing their children a few options of healthy foods to choose from, or helping them prepare a portion of the meal. This creates bonding as well as keeps the roles of parenthood aligned. The child learns that they need to respect and obey their parents, and that their parents are the teacher and the one they go to when they have a question.

When a child understands the appropriate roles in their lives between them and their parents, it creates a good and healthy environment. The child can develop in the correct ways. When the child grows up as an adult and is ready to go to college, their decision making and their confidence to face the world are much stronger. Those who didn't necessarily have the best experience as a child in figuring out their roles will have a harder time as an adult. I am noticing this is where I am right now.

Recognizing this right before I'm about to head off into the real world helps me to know I have some learning to do. This is exactly why I am writing you this letter; it's my plea to you to never give up on me no matter how I react to you. I haven't been super confident in the right roles between me and you guys, but slowly and surely I'm learning.

 Forgive me if I bash at you for telling me how to do my finances. Don't flinch when I bark at you for reminding me of my priorities. And please, always remind me that you do this because you are my parents, you love me, and that I am your number one.

Love always,

Your daughter who sincerely cares

Budgeting: We All Need It

"One for the Money" by Marvin J. Ashton is an exceptionally great resource in learning how to manage money wisely. It discusses twelve ways in which to finance smartly:

1. Pay an honest tithe
2. Learn to manage money before it manages you
3. Learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters
4. Use a budget
5. Teach family members early the importance of working and earning
6. Teach children to make money decisions in keeping with their capacities to comprehend
7. Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare
8. Make education a continuing process
9. Work toward home ownership
10. Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program
11. Understand the influence of external forces on family finances and investments
12. Appropriately involve yourself in a food storage and emergency preparedness program

In the April 1975 general conference welfare session, Elder Ashton addressed what's inside this booklet.

In the same meeting, President Spencer W. Kimball stood and said, "I endorse what Brother Ashton has said. I think if I were starting with a young family, I would want to get the twelve points explained by Brother Ashton and follow them explicitly myself and teach my children and my family and everybody with whom I came in contact.

"It is basic. All my life from childhood I have heard the Brethren saying, 'Get out of debt and stay out of debt.' I was employed for some years in the banks and I saw the terrible situation that many people were in because they had ignored that important counsel.

I agree with all that Brother Ashton has said...with regard to family financing in the home. Every Family should have a budget...We have to know approximately what we may recieve, and we certainly must know what we are going to spend. And one of the successes of the Church would have to be that the Brethren watch these things very carefully, and we do not spend that which we do not have."

I agree with President Kimball's remarks. Budgeting is one of the most important actions we can take in helping our stress filled lives become more free. The great thing is, learning how to cope with money is all about taking one day at a time, keeping track of every little piece of money we earn spend, and save. Life isn't all about how much money we make; it's about what we do with the money we have.

Often times we get stuck in the pattern of running faster than we can afford, hoping that in the end we will be able to be caught up with everything we owe. It's so easy getting stuck in a mindset that "I can pay this off later", "this isn't that much money", etc, when it just takes one choice to get us into a hole that's super hard to get out of.

As individuals, the majority of our finances and what we spend our money on is towards taking care of ourselves. In a marriage, every budgeting decision is supposed to be unanimous. All the decisions made with money in a home is affected by both the husband and the wife.Many times in marriage people compete for the resources: what's important? what isn't important? when should we use this money to go on vacations or see a movie?

Cooperation is key. It's hard, but it's worth it. "One for the Money" is seriously a great resource for information on leaning the smartest ways to finance. I encourage all of you to read it. If you click on the title, it's a link that will bring you to the September 2007 conference talk on lds.org that addresses this very booklet. Everything in the booklet is in that talk.

The Power to Influence

Power: the capacity to influence

What do most of us think about when we hear the word power? We probably think of kings who rule kingdoms, or we may think about civilizations in the scriptures going down because of their pride and hunger for power. But is there another way in which power is used?

In our lives, we see how we are influenced by other people. That's easy. What isn't easy though, is to see how we are influencing someone else.

Power can have a lot of negative affects. Some of these include it's demanding, makes life uncomfortable, and can cause a withhold of affection/support.

In marriages, who is the one with the "most" power? Some may say it's the husband because he is generally the head of the household. Others may argue that the wife has the most power considering she is typically known to keep the home running smoothly and nurturing her children.


Let's start with the typical husband and pretend that he has all the "power" in this marriage. He goes to work and earns money for the family's needs and therefore has the power. He is the one responsible for protecting his family and consequently has the power. He is the one to show his sons what it means to be a man, and be an example to his daughters of who they should marry and thus has the power. He has the power over the family, so that's a good thing right?

What would be some effects in this typical marriage if he had all the power? He could feel too overbearing, and that sense of "power" could bring a feeling of pride. His feelings of pride and overbearing could cause his wife and children to become intimidated by him and thus withdraw. Pride is self centered; it sets aside love and concern. It clouds from us reality of things as they really are and causes us to forget relationships are what truly makes us happy.

Now let's look at the typical wife and pretend that she has all the power. She might have a job to help her husband provide for the family. She nurtures her children and makes sure their personal needs are met so she has all the power. She cooks the meals to make sure her children are fed and healthy and she helps them with her homework so she has the power.

What would be some of the effects in this typical marriage if she had all the power? The husband may feel like he's not doing his job as the father which could create tension between he and his wife. The children may not have as good a relationship with their father because the majority of the time their mother is home.


There are many ways in which "power" in marriage can be a negative influence. However, is there a positive way that power can be a good thing in marriage?

If we think about it, power is generally led to negative outcomes and can diminish relationships. In a marriage there is something that helps encourage the relationship and overall pleases the satisfaction.

Responsibility: taking your unique roles as man and wife and using them to help your wife/family out. It's encouraging your spouse to be their best self. It's lovingly working for your family so your wife can use that money to buy food for your children. It's cleaning the home so when your husband comes home he can relax. It's helping your children with their homework together, getting to know your children on individual levels, and ultimately becoming a family knit together in unity.

These actions encourage love and harmony in the home, they create respect for one another, and it's easier to request rather than demand. The home is much more comfortable, and showing affection in the home will come naturally.

It's time to influence for the better by taking responsibility for who you are and your unique roles in creating a more unified environment for your family. 

It's Impossible to not Not Communicate

There are many times it's rather difficult to understand someone else point of view. Quite often enough, we don't realize not everyone thinks the same we do.

President Harold B. Lee states, "In marriage, we need to communicate not only so we are understood, but also so we are not misunderstood."

There are three media, or ways to communicate:

1. words
2. tone
3. non-verbal

Just exactly how much of these three ways in which we communicate is the most effective? We may think it's all in the words.

Example, if  you cooked dinner for your spouse and they said, "thank you" with a frown on their face, do you think you would believe that they're grateful in you making that meal for them? How about when they said thank you they had a smile on their face. You would most likely believe them that time.

Studies show, about 14% of communication is effective with words, 35% is effective in the tone of voice, and about 51% of the communication is shown as non-verbal. This means that the majority of our communication we don't even think about, yet it speaks to others so loudly.

Some of these non-verbal ways can be a hug, a genuine smile, your facial expression when you hear shocking news, or your reaction to something you didn't want to hear. Actions speak much louder than words; we can tell anyone anything we want. However they aren't going to believe us until we actually show them that we are serious. 

There's a cycle in communicating where first it starts out as a thought/feeling from the sender. That thought/feeling is encoded to a media (as one of the different ways to communicate) seen/heard by the receiver. The person receiving the message then has to decode that media, figuring out what it was the sender was trying to say. The receiver then has a thought/feeling based on what the sender said, which they encode to the sender as a media and the sender has to decode the receiver's thought/feeling.

Based on our own points of view and experiences in our lives, it can be hard getting our point across to a person receiving our message. We can't read each others minds which can be frustrating as well. However, as we are open to our feelings with each other, that can help take away a lot of confusion. As we speak to one another in much nicer tones, that can create a better bond and unity between us and those we are speaking to.

I know from my own personal experience, this is way easier said than done. But on the contrary, I have seen how speaking in nicer tones, really listening and trying to understand the other person can be so effective and both points can get across with no problem.

What do you think? Feel free to leave comments down below!

I Get to Choose What I Think

Everyone deals with stress and crisis at one point in our lives when we may not want to. Think about these two words, stress and crisis. They probably sound like negative words that we all want to run away from. However, is there such thing as positive and good stress/crisis? How do we handle and cope with this stress in our lives, especially when it's in our own families?

Reuben Hill's theory is called the ABCX Theory: Actual event, Both resources/responses, Cognitions, and total eXperience.

His theory starts off with the "A"ctual event of the crisis. An example may include a separation in the family. Let's say the parents were divorced after about five years of marriage and they have two children. That could be a negative crisis for the family. The roles in the family would end up having to be changed and some of the children would feel like they need to step up and fill in those responsibilities their divorced parent had.

The children could take it as a really negative event in their lives, or they could use it in a positive way. This is where we get to the next part in Hill's theory, "B"oth resources and responses. The children could react in two different ways. They could be angry at their parents for choosing divorce, or they could look at that and think, "what could I learn from this and use it as something positive in my life?" Don't get me wrong, life is hard and it's so much easier said than done when it comes to tough situations. However, it can help, depending on the responses we make with life situations we may not have control of.

Cognition is so important in how we deal with family crisis and stresses. How we understand why events may have had to happen could help shape how we are going to deal with them in the long run.

For example, my family went through a recent unexpected event in which our home caught on fire and my family has had to live in someone's basement for a time. I know, super random right? My family could have just thought of that experience as a negative event and complained the whole time. I am very amazed at how my family has been able to cope with this unexpected event because of their positivity. They understand the importance of reacting in a positive way and trying to see the good in bad situations. Yes, it's inconvient, but they didn't let it ruin their lives. They fought their way through it, and others around them have been so supportive of them as well. Their positive impact on me has helped me cope with this crisis as well.

The total experience is what I think is so important. I love to look back on events in my life and think how awesome it is that I was able to get through something, no matter how big or small it may seem. Some families suffer through addictions, some through abuse, others with house fires and more with divorce. These all seem like they would be negative stress in our lives and in the home.

I feel that the most important thing we can do as individuals is to try to see the positive during hard times. This is earth, we are human, and hard times will come. It's up to us how we are going to react to them.

Crisis literally means both danger and opportunity. Likewise, these experiences we face in our families and as individuals can be horrible, but in the long run they help us become stronger people.

If So, What?

In order for information to do any good in your life you must first apply it.  The way you date really shows what kind of marriage you're gonna have. 

There are certain processes that one must simply go through before you can have a successful marriage.  These processes are dating, courting, engagement, and marriage.

  Let's look at the first process: dating.

Many people believe that dating is choosing to go on a couple dates with someone, and once you go on about two to four dates then all of a sudden you're a couple. Why? I have no idea. There is a distinct difference between dating someone and going on dates with someone.

We are encouraged by modern prophets to date lots of people and get to know lots of people. This opens the window of many opportunities in getting to know others. In some people you may like their certain characteristics while others you may like their personality. Compare some poeple to others based on what you're interested in and what you would like in a companion. Marriage is a really big decision, so it's much better to see what is out there than rushing into marriage blindly.

Dating also allows interaction with the opposite gender. People are able to practice their unique gender roles in dating as well. A women is able to practice her primary roles of nurturing those she dates. She can do so by being kind and caring to those men she goes on dates with. This is great practice for when she will have to interact with her husband in marriage. Men, on the other hand, will be able to practice his roles in providing for her when dating. He will be the one initiating and planning the dates, paying for the date, and getting to know her better by pairing off.

Courting is the next step in the process to marriage. Courting is when a couple is exclusively dating another person. Courting should happen when one is ready for a companion in their life. This stage is more of a commitment with that other person. Their attachment to them emotionally, spiritually, and physically is stronger. Therefore, if they were to ever break up, what would that mean?

Research shows that when one becomes attached to someone, it makes it harder to attach in other places. This shows in adults in courting and also is shown in children. While a child is more familiar with their home environment, moving to a different one can be really hard and rather painful. In a breakup, the couple with that deep attachment are in pain because that attachment has been broken and changed. It becomes harder for them to move on in life.

The third process is the engagement. In the engagement, couples are practicing patterns and making decisions that they will have to when they are married. Some couples court for a long time then have a shorter engagement. Others have a shorter courting life but a really long engagement. Is there a negative impact in their married lives on how long they court one another and are engaged?

This brings me to my last point which is marriage. Studies show that those who have a shorter courting relationship and longer engagement have more negative outcomes in their marriages than those who have courted longer with shorter engagements. It takes a lot of time to really get to know a person, so for lots of people, having shorter courtships doesn't work well. That time for couples to really get to know the other person is extremely necessary.

The way a couple courts leaks into their marriage. This can be good and bad. If the couple has good healthy habits with their own lives as well as their romantic life, those good habits will follow them into their marriage. The opposite is true as well. If there are still things one or both of the individuals need to fix that could impact their marriage negatively, those should be changed.

Dating, courting, engagement and marriage is a process that takes time. Marriage is a big decision, so be sure to stay smart about it! :)






 

Get the one you want

Ladies, I know we all have that one cute guy we saw at the other end of the classroom whom we want to ask us out on a date. Gentlemen, same goes for you with the that cute girl you noticed at that lunch table. Should you ask that attractive person to hangout with you and some friends, or is it safe to ask them on an official date?

 When does it become a date vs a hangout?

I feel that our culture today is becoming more and more casual in the world of dating. More young adults are hanging out rather than dating, which in turn can cause a lot of problems if in search to find a future companion. How do we prepare ourselves more for marriage? Do the ways we live now affect our married lives?

If you want to be more prepared for marriage, you have to stop hanging out. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, of the quorum of the twelve apostles, first explains this concept to women in his General Conference talk titled "Dating versus Hanging Out".

"Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door."

Elder Oaks emphasizes a similar statement for young men:

"Men, if you have returned from your mission and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It’s marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it. If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off."

I'm sure we all have different views on what is considered a date as opposed to hanging out. Let's talk about these three concepts that differ a date from a hangout:

1. In a date, the activity is planned.

A man makes a conscious decision to ask her out that he follows through with, she agrees to go and congratulations, it's a date. He plans out a specific activity to do for the date, they go on their date, they have a good time getting to know one another, and in some cases the guy will get a second date out of it that could potentially go somewhere. Simple as that.

So often in hanging out, young adults go to each others apartments and just chill or watch a movie. Nothing planned, just "hanging out." It's a stress free, laid back environment where everyone can just sit and have a good time. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out. However, if you're trying to find an eternal companion, hanging out is not the best option.

2. The date is paid for.

He calls her and asks her on a date in which he takes the initiative to provide the money to pay for dinner/the activity.

When you're hanging out with a person and you go to an activity, both people end up paying with their own money; each to their own. This is fine, nothing wrong with it...as long as neither of them are counting it as a date, because it's not one. ;)

3. The couple is paired off.

Boys, when you're on a date with a girl, you tend to feel more responsible for that girl's safety, right? This is also the same concept for girls, she wants to feel safe with you. On this date, your focus is on each other. You spend time getting to know that one person, their likes and dislikes, discovering qualities in that person, etc.

While hanging out, the focus is more on the group. That feel of responsibility could either diminish, or if there's one guy hanging out with a lot of girls, that guy could feel responsible for all those girls' safety and well-being. That heightens the stress for that guy in making sure all the girls are okay.

How does this apply for preparing for marriage and raising a family?

There are three concepts that we can apply to the three that Elder Oak's had just mentioned. They are provide, preside, and protect.

1. Provide

In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, we learn the importance of providing in the family. It states they are to "provide for their [children's] physical and spiritual needs." Providing is similar to "paid for" because the husband generally wants to work, providing for his wife and their family. He wants to be useful in the family so his wife can have those resources available in helping take care of the kids. Both parents are committed in the relationship and taking care of their family.

2. Preside

Presiding is similar to planning, because presiding focuses on what's most important in the family. Planning vacations, figuring out the financial situations, or how to run the family. Both parents work together in how they would like to live their family lives. This takes a lot of communication as well, so both parents are on the same page with everything so the home can run smoothly.

3. Protect

The Family Proclamation says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." This is similar to "paired off" because both the mother and the father are putting one another first and providing for their family together. They are thinking about the basic needs for their children and living by those standards as well as keeping one another taken care of.

The best predictor of future behavior is current behavior. If you want to live by these ways, you need to practice them now. I feel like people tend to think that once they're married, their lives will magically change into perfection. However, that's not the case, ever. Dating takes effort, and in turn so does marriage. It takes two people to continue to feed a relationship and continue to commitment to one another.

 If you want to have a good and healthy dating life with your partner, you must practice it BEFORE you decide to get married. Patterns and habits you have now will leak into your married life. If you don't want certain things in your married and future life, I suggest you change something starting now.

Go meet someone new, go ask someone out! :) 

Born that Way

Are people born homosexual, or is that learned?

This is the question many of us have. I feel the topic of homosexuality is a very tender topic that should be carefully discussed. Not many people enjoy discussing this topic, however I think it is an important one. What is the real science behind homosexuality and what makes someone think they are gay or lesbian?

Click here for a video titled "Understanding Same-sex Attraction". This video illustrates the research behind homosexuality. A few males who have been struggling with same-sex attraction are interviewed about their experiences in how they felt like they were homosexual. One of the interviewees from the video is named Caleb, and I will use him as an example throughout this post.

There are main points each person had in common:

1. A wounded gender identity

A five year old boy who has only older sisters who play dress up with him, do his nails and play dolls with him won't know "boys don't generally do that." He will think it's fun and normal. When he goes to kindergarten and starts interacting with peers his own age, he will most likely want to fit in with the other boys. Those boys most likely won't play dolls, dress up and do nails cause that's not what a typical boy does. He may not feel like he fits in with the other boys because he only grew up with sisters. That could cause him to be confused as to why those boys are playing with trucks and play fighting instead of playing with dolls.

When Caleb was younger, he wanted to fit in with the other boys. He was always one of the skinnier guys, so he had a hard time playing sports and being one of the "big guys." What happened because of that?

He ended up feeling inadequate, and didn't think he fit in with those other boys. Others would mention his small size, in which he perceived it in a negative way and would wonder if there was something wrong with him just because others thought him as "different." When someone perceives that they're an outcast, it is just as powerful as being rejected.

Caleb also wanted to be a father when he grew up. He struggled with this concept because of those thoughts of confusion in wondering if he really was different than everyone else. He thought he was "outside" of being able to become a father and worried if he could ever love another woman like a straight guy would.

2. Bullying

The five year old's peers would notice that he doesn't play with trucks and boy toys, so therefore he must be "different." When one kid thinks another is weird or different, that can lead to bullying. Bullying is very common at every age, but when a five year old is bullied, that is devastating. That child only wants acceptance and to be liked by his peers. This five year old boy is only trying to fit in with his peers, but they reject him. They make fun of him being "different" and therefore this causes the boy to disconnect himself from other boys.

Bullying doesn't have to happen only with peers, it can happen at home. Caleb was teased by his family for being different and not looking like the typical guy in size. This was a big negative turning point in his life because his own family would reject him. Where else did he have to turn?

3. Father hunger

Many families who have a father who isn't around much in the home, they are abusive, or they aren't connected with their children in some way can cause negative effects in the family. That lack of a father figure can cause an emotional hole of attachment to form in the child's needs. That child feels disconnected and hungry for a bond he's not getting, and those feelings aren't going to go away. That child will go searching for something, anything, to fill those needs.

4. Mother confusion

Some sons who struggle with same-sex attraction are either over connected with their mothers or they are smothered by their mother. For example, let's say they grow up in a family whom the mother is the overpowering one to make all the decisions while the father holds back or isn't around. That could give the son the impression that men are weak and women are the ones who in a sense "overrule". This leads to the confusion in what his role as a boy is to be.

5. Inappropriate touch

When Caleb was about five or six, he was molested by someone. He explains that that effected him greatly.

Some people who are molested at such a young age may not understand what it is they're feeling or if that act was okay. It petrifies and damages them at a very deep emotional level. Touch is powerful, and when it's abused that can leave a deep mark.

6. Pornography

There are lots of people who have a problem/addiction to pornography; it's not just a men problem, it's a human problem. Actively searching for pornography reinforces those feelings of arousal and bonding, in this case for the one struggling in same-sex attraction. It places those images in their brain and connects it with those sexual feelings. At least 75% of men who struggle with same-sex attraction have a problem with pornography.

The interviewees in the video explained that they were addicted to pornography, in which didn't help their struggle at all. It reinforced it and it became harder and harder to change. It took them great effort on their part with therapy and other support to stop searching out pornography and ultimately get over lusting after their same sex.

Pornography is destructive to everyone, not just those struggling with homosexuality. It's destructive to the individual and damages relationships like no other.

As we see these six different ways that each interviewee had in common, what does this tell us about homosexuality?

These were EVENTS that lead up to thoughts of being homosexual, the big one starting off as their own gender identity only because people thought they were "different".

The video tells of a study about identical twins and their DNA. They looked at 33,000 pairs of twins. The study shows if one twin was homosexual genetically, the other twin would have to be homosexual 100%. However, they found that when one twin was homosexual, the other twin was homosexual only 11% of the time.

What sort of hope does this give us? If people typically aren't born homosexual, what does that mean for those who do struggle with feelings of homosexuality?

We all have agency and we all make choices. Therefore, those struggling with homosexuality can choose to change, and that is beautiful. But change isn't easy, and that's why people are afraid to try.

Caleb tells of his experience. Once he was able to ponder his life, noticing those moments that may have lead up to his feelings of same-sex attraction, he was able to feel better as to who he was. He realized that he had that power to change, and he didn't HAVE to stay homosexual. He could grow out of it, he could find a wife and love her more than anything and he could be a father.

He explained that once he was able to work through those feelings, he noticed what happened one day when he was hanging out with a group of guys. He could, for the first time in a long time, look at them and those feelings of lust were completely gone. Instead, he admired them for what kind of person they were.

Caleb's big turning point was being accepted as a guy, not a homosexual. He felt connection, he felt love, and he became happy for who he had become. I think it's incredible.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to change, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't impossible. We can all change and become who WE want to be because we have that choice.

That is beautiful.

Boys will be Girls

"We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." -Glora Steinham

Is this statement true? Are boys and girls so much the same in which we need to raise them the same, or are they different?

Boys and girls have the same basic needs: survival, self-esteem, intimacy, and growth. As we look deeper into the needs for males and females, we will begin to see as to why men and women act differently.

When you put children together in a room with lots of toys, what do we notice? The girls tend to do more social play, relationship oriented and are more sensitive and caring. They will comb the Barbie's hair, rock the baby doll back and forth. The boys tend to play more aggressive, rough housing and spatial, making toy guns out of Legos or knocking down blocks with trucks. What causes these differences in their playing? Is it because that's just how parents taught them to be, or are they just naturally like that?

Biologically, men and women aren't the same. When a wife becomes pregnant, her biological motives are to create that baby inside of her. Her husbands biological motives are to protect her and their family. Therefore, our different functions allow us to live together in such a way that they compliment one another.

Women have a hormone called oxytocin that's responsible in helping nurture, bond, and love. If a kitten were to nurse from a female dog, the dog would accept the kitten because that chemical bond is present from the oxytocin. She would be accepting and love that kitten; it's built in their nature.

Men have a hormone called testosterone that causes them to be more aggressive and competitive. This is why men primarily like to be the ones to initiate situations, play rough with another, or protect their families; it's built in their nature.

Our roles as being nurturers/aggressive appear to be natural rather than learned. Let's look at this in a more spiritual setting.

President Gordon B. Hinckley tells us about the responsibilities and roles as male and female, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, and children. In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, he states, "All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God. Each beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny."

I love that statement because it lets me know I have a purpose on this earth with who I am.

The proclamation continues, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal destiny and purpose...by divine design, fathers are to preside over the families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."

God has specifically made a plan to carry out these individual roles as male and female so we can help one another out. It's good that boys and girls are different; they're complimentary. That's the way it was meant to be from the very beginning when God created us.

What do you have to say about this? Feel free to leave a comment because I would love to have a discussion with you! :)

Boundaries: Are they Neccesary?

Your neighbors just move into the house right next to yours. That home is a nice looking home, with a white picket fence in the front yard. You decide you want to get to know your new neighbors so you walk over to their home and stop short right in front of the brand new picket fence. What's the message your new neighbors may be telling you in purpose of building that picket fence? Well, the fence is white, which is an indication of a safer color as opposed to a darker one, like grey or black. You notice the style of the home; it has the traditional look of a very welcoming family. The fence is spiked at the top, probably indicating that it's not alright to straddle over the fence but rather okay to talk to the homeowners across the fence. One more look at the fence and you see there's a small gate. You assume that's their way of saying, "Come in, we allow visitors and we want to get to know you on a mutual level."

There are many different types of boundaries and many ways in which we show others those types of boundaries.This new family with the white picket fence is clearly a more balanced boundary, in which that family knows where they stand and let others know that right away. Another example of a boundary is caution tape wrapped around the perimeter of a home that has just been burned with fire. That caution tape is indicating to people to be careful and not get too close because it can be dangerous. What sorts of boundaries do you notice in your own families? There could be some who are more welcoming and loving than others, some who contribute to the family off and on or those who don't at all. What sorts of relationships do you have with your family members that create those boundaries? Are there certain events that create them later on in life?

I am going to talk of three specific boundaries found in families. The first boundary is called a "rigid" boundary, in which this boundary is more restrictive, more tense and less free flow. The second is a "clear" boundary. This boundary is very flexible, specific needs are met and rules are clear to follow; very balanced. The last one is called the "diffused" boundary. There is little if no supervision, minimum rules to follow or they aren't clear at all and just very carefree; no set limitations. 

A qualitative study on a family was given that shows how immigration impacted Mexican families systems and family boundaries. This story starts off by explaining how the family were well off and very successful in their lives. They spent lots of time with their extended families, the father was a successful businessman, and the mother was a stay-at-home mom. Their lives were pretty balanced in family roles and boundaries were clear.

Fast forward, the parents wanted to move states so the children would have more opportunities in life. The father left the home first; this was super risky and scary. It costed him about $4,000 to cross and he hired someone to help him cross safely. The family guesstimated it would only take him about a year for him to earn enough money to take the rest of his family across the border. However, this wasn't the case and it took three times as long as they had predicted because it was so challenging of him to find work and he only made about $200 a month.

Back at home, there were many changes; family's support system (father) was gone. Therefore, mother had to step up and be the dad for a while, earning money to support her family. She was inexperienced in working so that limited her as to what job she could find. That also limited her with how much money she would make. Grandma stepped in and became "mom" because the mother was gone all day, which shifted her roles from being grandma. The children (a son and daughter) didn't have a father figure around. However, they did grow close to their mother as she stepped in and took charge in providing. When grandma pitched in, the children wouldn't listen to her because she didn't have that "mom authority". The family's extended family used to get together with them to have fun, however now they had to pitch in and help support this family. Life became more of a chore than fun.

Having the father leave the family for a period of time changed the family dramatically. Stress levels rose, parenting roles weren't met as they were supposed to, and the overall balance wasn't very good. How did this affect the boundaries? Let's look at the teenage son. He was about 18 years old when those three years passed. There are a lot of choices for a young 18 year old to make. It's a lot easier making those choices with a parental figure in their life. However, considering the circumstances that was difficult. The teen would have to find a job to not just support himself, but to help raise money so the rest of the family could cross the border. Soon after about three and a half years, the family earned enough money to cross the border and were reunited with their father.

How was it like when they were finally reunited with their father? He was a very different person, as we can imagine they were different as well. Over the years, the children came closer to mom because she stepped up, taking over her husbands roles. Likewise, when their father was there to fulfill those roles, the children weren't used to it and had to adjust. They weren't so close to their father either because they had to deal with not having him around for so long. The mother wasn't as close to her husband either and had to adjust accordingly, allowing her husband to take on his role again.

If we were to look at this family through boundaries, how would it look after the three and a half years?

The mother and father could have had a rigid boundary once they were reunited. The mother had to adjust to allow her husband to take on his role again. That would have taken time, and lots of communication between them both. 

The boundary between the mother and her children could have been rigid as well. That stress of her stepping up and taking over the fathers roles for a while caused her children to lose her a little bit from spending time with her. This left her children to have to fend for themselves more than not. However, their boundary could have been a little more welcoming in the sense of how she was always the one there and not their father so her children would talk with her more about life.

The boundary between the father and his children could have been more rigid because they didn't know who the "new" father was, and vise versa with the father's point of view on his children. Since he was never there those last few years, they didn't have that special bonding time to share with him. They would have had to "start over" in getting to know their new father.

The children's boundaries with one another could have been more clear because they always had one another to rely on if there wasn't anyone else they could go to. They had each other to support and help throughout their teenage years.

Look at your own families in what types of boundaries there seem to be. What sort of things can you do in your family to create a more clear boundary? How can you help your relationship with that person (or people) grow stronger? Trying to develop a clear boundary might be weird at first, however it will become easier as you put more effort into it. I believe that no matter how "distant" some of our relationships may seem to be, there is always room to start again. 

I'm a beautiful butterfly!!

Once upon a time there was a father who had two sons and a daughter. The father was always away from the home and off working long periods of time and wasn't available to take care of the kids. The oldest son was usually gone as well, partying with his friends and often showed up home late at night. The second son stayed at home and took care of his younger sister while cooking dinners and cleaning around the house.

A few years later, both sons moved out and each of them got married and started raising a family of their own. The first son would always be gone and wouldn't help his wife take care of their children. His firstborn was out playing around with her friends and would stay away late hours of the night while their second born stayed home taking care of the home with his mother.

The second born son had two children, in which both of them helped around the home and they all had really healthy relationships with one another. What caused these different family structures when both sons were raised in the same family?

We see that in the beginning, the father wasn't home much. That sort of example fell onto the first son, causing him to think it was fine to not be home a lot. The father wasn't around to teach his children and grow that father-child relationship. There wasn't that attachment. The second son stayed home and did the house work. Why didn't he follow in his older brother's direction? Those parenting roles and responsibilities weren't being met by their father. Therefore, the second son felt that "it was his job" to step up and fill those parenting roles. As the years went by, we saw a pattern between the son's future families and how they grew up individually.

Do we notice similar patterns in our own families? What causes these patterns to continue?

It takes approximately 3-4 generations for a habit/tradition to wash out unless someone realizes something needs to be fixed. That being said, if we do have bad habits we wish to change in our families, how do we go about changing them into good ones?

Decisions for Eternity, a general conference talk given by Elder Russell M. Nelson, tells us the importance of our decisions we are making now and how they shape our futures. "each day is a day of decision. President Thomas S. Monson has taught us that “decisions determine destiny.” The wise use of your freedom to make your own decisions is crucial to your spiritual growth, now and for eternity. You are never too young to learn, never too old to change. Your yearnings to learn and change come from a divinely instilled striving for eternal progression. Each day brings opportunity for decisions for eternity (Decisions for Eternity - Russell M. Nelson. (n.d.). Retrieved January 28, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng). "

I love this quote. It gives me hope that we all are able to change our lives. I feel that it's super easy to fall into the trap of thinking "well this is how it's always been, so it's too late for me to change." A caterpillar doesn't look at a butterfly and think, "I'm never going to be that beautiful." Instead, the caterpillar decides to wrap itself in a cocoon and works hard in changing itself into a beautiful butterfly. Was it going to change if it sat around thinking it's never going to be that beautiful? Nope, certainly not. It chose to change into a butterfly. Likewise, we all have to choose to either stay a caterpillar or work to change into a butterfly; something different. It might feel weird and be awkward, however from my personal experiences with changing to good family habits it has been a blessing.

Does the family matter?

You guys have heard of the baby boom, right? Right after WWII, approximately 1946-1964, the population grew immensely. People were having babies left and right, children all over the streets. Why you may ask? People were happy, and enthusiasm increases desires. In this case, the desire to have children grew, causing the "baby boom". This is a good thing, right?

 During these times, the definition of marriage and family was to marry someone and have children with that person, creating a family. That's just what people did, right? That is why men and women were created in such a way that this would work. The roles of mother and father were typically the mother cares and nurtures the children while dad provides for the family. People also married young to start off a family at a decent time. The typical family had about three to four children each. That's just how it was during those times. That being said, what all of a sudden caused the population to drop in the 60's? What sort of actions were people doing to create this kind of a change?

During what is called the 2nd demographic transition in the 60's, the roles of women changed. More women were entering the paid work field instead of staying home with their children. Children were sent to daycare facilities for the mothers to work. Well, that was good, for the mothers to help out in paying the bills with her husband, wasn't it? Let's look a little deeper of the affects these actions may have caused:

More mothers were in the work field. The importance of education for women started to rise so dramatically, that women soon ended up focusing more on the education than getting married and raising a family. What sort of affects did this typically have on the family? Women putting off marriage concluded in the average age of marriage to rise, going from about 19-21 years to 21-23 years old. This age is still rising today. Women waiting to get married resulted in fertility rates decreasing as well. It was normal to have a big family in our parents day and age, however society has changed in which it seems unusual to have a big family anymore.

What about other aspects that may have caused a decrease in fertility rate? A big one is birth control. Once women were able to use that to control when they had children, that also increased the focus of education over family. Once the "pill" came out and people realized that they could sometimes control when to have children, the aspect of sex connected with marriage disconnected. People were having sex for fun instead of thinking about children as being a part of that special connection. People were more opt to live with one another without commitment because of the fear of getting pregnant decreased. All of a sudden, it was "okay" to have sex spontaneously with someone, sometimes anyone.

We talk about this thinking about the decisions the adults make, however let's think in different terms. Who else do these decisions of spontaneous sex, putting off marriage, or having children affect? The children; when someone accidentally gets pregnant that child does not have that choice to come to earth. I feel we overlook all sides of the spectrum and a huge side is the child's life. I think that when we put that child's life into perspective, we will be more opt to make smart decisions in our present and future families. The decisions we make affect not just us, but our families, friends, other loved ones and ultimately the society. Let's all try and make smart decisions today.

Hello Everyone!

My name is Rachel Banks and I am currently a student at BYU Idaho studying Marriage and Family Studies. I'm super excited to start up this blog! I love the value of the family. I love learning more about how we as individuals can help make our family lives better. I feel the family is so important, and now more than ever this world has become more confused as to what is considered a "normal" family, "how" kids are supposed to be raised, what's acceptable and what isn't, etc. I will be posting information that I have learned from my Family Relations class about the family regarding these subjects as well as many others. I understand not every family is as happy and perfect as we would like them to be. But I firmly believe that it is possible to have a happy family, no matter how hard or stressful life can become. Life is already happening; it's up to us how we react to it.