A made up letter from a daughter to her parents based on research and study shown that parents are allowing their children to be the boss without even realizing it.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I have graduated from High School and am soon moving on to my adult life. This time in my life is so critical for my development; there will be times when I won't act like I want you in my life. You will become afraid to step up and show me who's boss. I will reject your help and advice and I won't listen to you. You're going to think that I really don't need your wise parental advice. However, the truth is the complete opposite.
As a young adult, I am going to be making the biggest decisions of my life. I will need some counsel and direction from the two wisest people I know. I am going to mess up, and when I do I will need you to be ready to pick up my pieces. I am going to give up on myself many times while I am in college, but I need you there to tell me to keep going. I am going to get my heart broken not once but several times by boys whom I thought loved me. I need you to be the one to remind me I am not the definition of their opinions of my worth. I need you to be behind me when I fall short from what I am capable of. I am your daughter, and that means everything.
Where did this all start? What is causing my relationship with you to feel so separated?
A toddler sitting at the dinner table, her parents encouraging her to eat her food. She didn't want to eat it, so they asked her, "Could you do us a favor? Could you eat your veggies for us?" That young girl learned from an early age that she had to eat her food only to please her parents, and so did I.
I learned that snacks were better than what was actually good for my development, and that healthy foods were gross. "Honey, you can eat this brownie when you take a bite of your apple." Doing that only caused me to think, "Since I did daddy a favor, he needs to repay me." Therefore, that power has been put into my hands and I became the one in charge. Role confusion: I didn't fully understand that you were actually the boss.
This has affected the rest of my childhood. When you would ask me to do something, I didn't fully understand the reasons behind why I had to obey you. You are my parents, your roles were to teach me and I was supposed to listen.
Recently, I was surfing through Facebook when I found an article called, "The Collapse of Parenting: Why it's Time for Parents to Grow Up". The article explains the different roles between parents and children and how those roles are changing over time. Parents are recognizing that they don't want to raise their children exactly how their own parents raised them. There are good things coming from this.
Nowadays, parents are encouraged to teach their children the nutritional values behind each food, and that food isn't "good" or "bad" but rather "healthy" and "not as healthy". This teaching between parents and their child has many positive benefits; it teaches the child what's good to eat, it bonds them with their parent, and shows the child their parents are the teacher; the boss.
Parents used to tell their children what to eat. Now, parents are showing their children a few options of healthy foods to choose from, or helping them prepare a portion of the meal. This creates bonding as well as keeps the roles of parenthood aligned. The child learns that they need to respect and obey their parents, and that their parents are the teacher and the one they go to when they have a question.
When a child understands the appropriate roles in their lives between them and their parents, it creates a good and healthy environment. The child can develop in the correct ways. When the child grows up as an adult and is ready to go to college, their decision making and their confidence to face the world are much stronger. Those who didn't necessarily have the best experience as a child in figuring out their roles will have a harder time as an adult. I am noticing this is where I am right now.
Recognizing this right before I'm about to head off into the real world helps me to know I have some learning to do. This is exactly why I am writing you this letter; it's my plea to you to never give up on me no matter how I react to you. I haven't been super confident in the right roles between me and you guys, but slowly and surely I'm learning.
Forgive me if I bash at you for telling me how to do my finances. Don't flinch when I bark at you for reminding me of my priorities. And please, always remind me that you do this because you are my parents, you love me, and that I am your number one.
Love always,
Your daughter who sincerely cares
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