Your neighbors just move into the house right next to yours. That home is a nice looking home, with a white picket fence in the front yard. You decide you want to get to know your new neighbors so you walk over to their home and stop short right in front of the brand new picket fence. What's the message your new neighbors may be telling you in purpose of building that picket fence? Well, the fence is white, which is an indication of a safer color as opposed to a darker one, like grey or black. You notice the style of the home; it has the traditional look of a very welcoming family. The fence is spiked at the top, probably indicating that it's not alright to straddle over the fence but rather okay to talk to the homeowners across the fence. One more look at the fence and you see there's a small gate. You assume that's their way of saying, "Come in, we allow visitors and we want to get to know you on a mutual level."
There are many different types of boundaries and many ways in which we show others those types of boundaries.This new family with the white picket fence is clearly a more balanced boundary, in which that family knows where they stand and let others know that right away. Another example of a boundary is caution tape wrapped around the perimeter of a home that has just been burned with fire. That caution tape is indicating to people to be careful and not get too close because it can be dangerous. What sorts of boundaries do you notice in your own families? There could be some who are more welcoming and loving than others, some who contribute to the family off and on or those who don't at all. What sorts of relationships do you have with your family members that create those boundaries? Are there certain events that create them later on in life?
I am going to talk of three specific boundaries found in families. The first boundary is called a "rigid" boundary, in which this boundary is more restrictive, more tense and less free flow. The second is a "clear" boundary. This boundary is very flexible, specific needs are met and rules are clear to follow; very balanced. The last one is called the "diffused" boundary. There is little if no supervision, minimum rules to follow or they aren't clear at all and just very carefree; no set limitations.
A qualitative study on a family was given that shows how immigration impacted Mexican families systems and family boundaries. This story starts off by explaining how the family were well off and very successful in their lives. They spent lots of time with their extended families, the father was a successful businessman, and the mother was a stay-at-home mom. Their lives were pretty balanced in family roles and boundaries were clear.
Fast forward, the parents wanted to move states so the children would have more opportunities in life. The father left the home first; this was super risky and scary. It costed him about $4,000 to cross and he hired someone to help him cross safely. The family guesstimated it would only take him about a year for him to earn enough money to take the rest of his family across the border. However, this wasn't the case and it took three times as long as they had predicted because it was so challenging of him to find work and he only made about $200 a month.
Back at home, there were many changes; family's support system (father) was gone. Therefore, mother had to step up and be the dad for a while, earning money to support her family. She was inexperienced in working so that limited her as to what job she could find. That also limited her with how much money she would make. Grandma stepped in and became "mom" because the mother was gone all day, which shifted her roles from being grandma. The children (a son and daughter) didn't have a father figure around. However, they did grow close to their mother as she stepped in and took charge in providing. When grandma pitched in, the children wouldn't listen to her because she didn't have that "mom authority". The family's extended family used to get together with them to have fun, however now they had to pitch in and help support this family. Life became more of a chore than fun.
Having the father leave the family for a period of time changed the family dramatically. Stress levels rose, parenting roles weren't met as they were supposed to, and the overall balance wasn't very good. How did this affect the boundaries? Let's look at the teenage son. He was about 18 years old when those three years passed. There are a lot of choices for a young 18 year old to make. It's a lot easier making those choices with a parental figure in their life. However, considering the circumstances that was difficult. The teen would have to find a job to not just support himself, but to help raise money so the rest of the family could cross the border. Soon after about three and a half years, the family earned enough money to cross the border and were reunited with their father.
How was it like when they were finally reunited with their father? He was a very different person, as we can imagine they were different as well. Over the years, the children came closer to mom because she stepped up, taking over her husbands roles. Likewise, when their father was there to fulfill those roles, the children weren't used to it and had to adjust. They weren't so close to their father either because they had to deal with not having him around for so long. The mother wasn't as close to her husband either and had to adjust accordingly, allowing her husband to take on his role again.
If we were to look at this family through boundaries, how would it look after the three and a half years?
The mother and father could have had a rigid boundary once they were reunited. The mother had to adjust to allow her husband to take on his role again. That would have taken time, and lots of communication between them both.
The boundary between the mother and her children could have been rigid as well. That stress of her stepping up and taking over the fathers roles for a while caused her children to lose her a little bit from spending time with her. This left her children to have to fend for themselves more than not. However, their boundary could have been a little more welcoming in the sense of how she was always the one there and not their father so her children would talk with her more about life.
The boundary between the father and his children could have been more rigid because they didn't know who the "new" father was, and vise versa with the father's point of view on his children. Since he was never there those last few years, they didn't have that special bonding time to share with him. They would have had to "start over" in getting to know their new father.
The children's boundaries with one another could have been more clear because they always had one another to rely on if there wasn't anyone else they could go to. They had each other to support and help throughout their teenage years.
Look at your own families in what types of boundaries there seem to be. What sort of things can you do in your family to create a more clear boundary? How can you help your relationship with that person (or people) grow stronger? Trying to develop a clear boundary might be weird at first, however it will become easier as you put more effort into it. I believe that no matter how "distant" some of our relationships may seem to be, there is always room to start again.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
I'm a beautiful butterfly!!
Once upon a time there was a father who had two sons and a daughter. The father was always away from the home and off working long periods of time and wasn't available to take care of the kids. The oldest son was usually gone as well, partying with his friends and often showed up home late at night. The second son stayed at home and took care of his younger sister while cooking dinners and cleaning around the house.
A few years later, both sons moved out and each of them got married and started raising a family of their own. The first son would always be gone and wouldn't help his wife take care of their children. His firstborn was out playing around with her friends and would stay away late hours of the night while their second born stayed home taking care of the home with his mother.
The second born son had two children, in which both of them helped around the home and they all had really healthy relationships with one another. What caused these different family structures when both sons were raised in the same family?
We see that in the beginning, the father wasn't home much. That sort of example fell onto the first son, causing him to think it was fine to not be home a lot. The father wasn't around to teach his children and grow that father-child relationship. There wasn't that attachment. The second son stayed home and did the house work. Why didn't he follow in his older brother's direction? Those parenting roles and responsibilities weren't being met by their father. Therefore, the second son felt that "it was his job" to step up and fill those parenting roles. As the years went by, we saw a pattern between the son's future families and how they grew up individually.
Do we notice similar patterns in our own families? What causes these patterns to continue?
It takes approximately 3-4 generations for a habit/tradition to wash out unless someone realizes something needs to be fixed. That being said, if we do have bad habits we wish to change in our families, how do we go about changing them into good ones?
Decisions for Eternity, a general conference talk given by Elder Russell M. Nelson, tells us the importance of our decisions we are making now and how they shape our futures. "each day is a day of decision. President Thomas S. Monson has taught us that “decisions determine destiny.” The wise use of your freedom to make your own decisions is crucial to your spiritual growth, now and for eternity. You are never too young to learn, never too old to change. Your yearnings to learn and change come from a divinely instilled striving for eternal progression. Each day brings opportunity for decisions for eternity (Decisions for Eternity - Russell M. Nelson. (n.d.). Retrieved January 28, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng). "
I love this quote. It gives me hope that we all are able to change our lives. I feel that it's super easy to fall into the trap of thinking "well this is how it's always been, so it's too late for me to change." A caterpillar doesn't look at a butterfly and think, "I'm never going to be that beautiful." Instead, the caterpillar decides to wrap itself in a cocoon and works hard in changing itself into a beautiful butterfly. Was it going to change if it sat around thinking it's never going to be that beautiful? Nope, certainly not. It chose to change into a butterfly. Likewise, we all have to choose to either stay a caterpillar or work to change into a butterfly; something different. It might feel weird and be awkward, however from my personal experiences with changing to good family habits it has been a blessing.
A few years later, both sons moved out and each of them got married and started raising a family of their own. The first son would always be gone and wouldn't help his wife take care of their children. His firstborn was out playing around with her friends and would stay away late hours of the night while their second born stayed home taking care of the home with his mother.
The second born son had two children, in which both of them helped around the home and they all had really healthy relationships with one another. What caused these different family structures when both sons were raised in the same family?
We see that in the beginning, the father wasn't home much. That sort of example fell onto the first son, causing him to think it was fine to not be home a lot. The father wasn't around to teach his children and grow that father-child relationship. There wasn't that attachment. The second son stayed home and did the house work. Why didn't he follow in his older brother's direction? Those parenting roles and responsibilities weren't being met by their father. Therefore, the second son felt that "it was his job" to step up and fill those parenting roles. As the years went by, we saw a pattern between the son's future families and how they grew up individually.
Do we notice similar patterns in our own families? What causes these patterns to continue?
It takes approximately 3-4 generations for a habit/tradition to wash out unless someone realizes something needs to be fixed. That being said, if we do have bad habits we wish to change in our families, how do we go about changing them into good ones?
Decisions for Eternity, a general conference talk given by Elder Russell M. Nelson, tells us the importance of our decisions we are making now and how they shape our futures. "each day is a day of decision. President Thomas S. Monson has taught us that “decisions determine destiny.” The wise use of your freedom to make your own decisions is crucial to your spiritual growth, now and for eternity. You are never too young to learn, never too old to change. Your yearnings to learn and change come from a divinely instilled striving for eternal progression. Each day brings opportunity for decisions for eternity (Decisions for Eternity - Russell M. Nelson. (n.d.). Retrieved January 28, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng). "
I love this quote. It gives me hope that we all are able to change our lives. I feel that it's super easy to fall into the trap of thinking "well this is how it's always been, so it's too late for me to change." A caterpillar doesn't look at a butterfly and think, "I'm never going to be that beautiful." Instead, the caterpillar decides to wrap itself in a cocoon and works hard in changing itself into a beautiful butterfly. Was it going to change if it sat around thinking it's never going to be that beautiful? Nope, certainly not. It chose to change into a butterfly. Likewise, we all have to choose to either stay a caterpillar or work to change into a butterfly; something different. It might feel weird and be awkward, however from my personal experiences with changing to good family habits it has been a blessing.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Does the family matter?
You guys have heard of the baby boom, right? Right after WWII, approximately 1946-1964, the population grew immensely. People were having babies left and right, children all over the streets. Why you may ask? People were happy, and enthusiasm increases desires. In this case, the desire to have children grew, causing the "baby boom". This is a good thing, right?
During these times, the definition of marriage and family was to marry someone and have children with that person, creating a family. That's just what people did, right? That is why men and women were created in such a way that this would work. The roles of mother and father were typically the mother cares and nurtures the children while dad provides for the family. People also married young to start off a family at a decent time. The typical family had about three to four children each. That's just how it was during those times. That being said, what all of a sudden caused the population to drop in the 60's? What sort of actions were people doing to create this kind of a change?
During what is called the 2nd demographic transition in the 60's, the roles of women changed. More women were entering the paid work field instead of staying home with their children. Children were sent to daycare facilities for the mothers to work. Well, that was good, for the mothers to help out in paying the bills with her husband, wasn't it? Let's look a little deeper of the affects these actions may have caused:
More mothers were in the work field. The importance of education for women started to rise so dramatically, that women soon ended up focusing more on the education than getting married and raising a family. What sort of affects did this typically have on the family? Women putting off marriage concluded in the average age of marriage to rise, going from about 19-21 years to 21-23 years old. This age is still rising today. Women waiting to get married resulted in fertility rates decreasing as well. It was normal to have a big family in our parents day and age, however society has changed in which it seems unusual to have a big family anymore.
What about other aspects that may have caused a decrease in fertility rate? A big one is birth control. Once women were able to use that to control when they had children, that also increased the focus of education over family. Once the "pill" came out and people realized that they could sometimes control when to have children, the aspect of sex connected with marriage disconnected. People were having sex for fun instead of thinking about children as being a part of that special connection. People were more opt to live with one another without commitment because of the fear of getting pregnant decreased. All of a sudden, it was "okay" to have sex spontaneously with someone, sometimes anyone.
We talk about this thinking about the decisions the adults make, however let's think in different terms. Who else do these decisions of spontaneous sex, putting off marriage, or having children affect? The children; when someone accidentally gets pregnant that child does not have that choice to come to earth. I feel we overlook all sides of the spectrum and a huge side is the child's life. I think that when we put that child's life into perspective, we will be more opt to make smart decisions in our present and future families. The decisions we make affect not just us, but our families, friends, other loved ones and ultimately the society. Let's all try and make smart decisions today.
During these times, the definition of marriage and family was to marry someone and have children with that person, creating a family. That's just what people did, right? That is why men and women were created in such a way that this would work. The roles of mother and father were typically the mother cares and nurtures the children while dad provides for the family. People also married young to start off a family at a decent time. The typical family had about three to four children each. That's just how it was during those times. That being said, what all of a sudden caused the population to drop in the 60's? What sort of actions were people doing to create this kind of a change?
During what is called the 2nd demographic transition in the 60's, the roles of women changed. More women were entering the paid work field instead of staying home with their children. Children were sent to daycare facilities for the mothers to work. Well, that was good, for the mothers to help out in paying the bills with her husband, wasn't it? Let's look a little deeper of the affects these actions may have caused:
More mothers were in the work field. The importance of education for women started to rise so dramatically, that women soon ended up focusing more on the education than getting married and raising a family. What sort of affects did this typically have on the family? Women putting off marriage concluded in the average age of marriage to rise, going from about 19-21 years to 21-23 years old. This age is still rising today. Women waiting to get married resulted in fertility rates decreasing as well. It was normal to have a big family in our parents day and age, however society has changed in which it seems unusual to have a big family anymore.
What about other aspects that may have caused a decrease in fertility rate? A big one is birth control. Once women were able to use that to control when they had children, that also increased the focus of education over family. Once the "pill" came out and people realized that they could sometimes control when to have children, the aspect of sex connected with marriage disconnected. People were having sex for fun instead of thinking about children as being a part of that special connection. People were more opt to live with one another without commitment because of the fear of getting pregnant decreased. All of a sudden, it was "okay" to have sex spontaneously with someone, sometimes anyone.
We talk about this thinking about the decisions the adults make, however let's think in different terms. Who else do these decisions of spontaneous sex, putting off marriage, or having children affect? The children; when someone accidentally gets pregnant that child does not have that choice to come to earth. I feel we overlook all sides of the spectrum and a huge side is the child's life. I think that when we put that child's life into perspective, we will be more opt to make smart decisions in our present and future families. The decisions we make affect not just us, but our families, friends, other loved ones and ultimately the society. Let's all try and make smart decisions today.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Hello Everyone!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)