We made it!!

Whew! Look at what we've learned these past few months about families. If there is one thing I'd say concerning this topic, it's this: families take work, it's hard, but so worth it in the end.

We've learned about the family system, boundaries, causes and effects in ways to raise children, same gender attraction, dating vs hanging out and how dating relates to marriage, Reuben Hill's Theory, communicating, and much more. We have come a long way, so now it's time to apply it.

Start off today by pondering about something you can do better as a parent or sibling, a daughter or son in your own family. You might be thinking about how you need to serve someone more willingly, or how you have a rigid boundary preventing you from forming a healthy relationship with someone else. You could be thinking you have no idea how you're going to pay off finances by the end of this month or how you need to listen to your children's emotional needs more closely. There are many things you could be thinking about.

Don't be so overwhelmed; start with just one. Write that one thing down you wish to change in your life for the better and then get up and DO IT. I promise, it will feel weird at first, especially if it's regarding your own relationship with someone else. However, with continual practice and a willing heart, it will soon begin to not feel like a chore but a desire. That desire will keep growing the more you practice and improve.

Here are some additional resources on improving your personal and family life:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box by the Arbinger Institute

A Letter to my Parents

A made up letter from a daughter to her parents based on research and study shown that parents are allowing their children to be the boss without even realizing it.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have graduated from High School and am soon moving on to my adult life. This time in my life is so critical for my development; there will be times when I won't act like I want you in my life. You will become afraid to step up and show me who's boss. I will reject your help and advice and I won't listen to you. You're going to think that I really don't need your wise parental advice. However, the truth is the complete opposite.

As a young adult, I am going to be making the biggest decisions of my life. I will need some counsel and direction from the two wisest people I know. I am going to mess up, and when I do I will need you to be ready to pick up my pieces. I am going to give up on myself many times while I am in college, but I need you there to tell me to keep going. I am going to get my heart broken not once but several times by boys whom I thought loved me. I need you to be the one to remind me I am not the definition of their opinions of my worth. I need you to be behind me when I fall short from what I am capable of. I am your daughter, and that means everything.

Where did this all start? What is causing my relationship with you to feel so separated?

A toddler sitting at the dinner table, her parents encouraging her to eat her food. She didn't want to eat it, so they asked her, "Could you do us a favor? Could you eat your veggies for us?" That young girl learned from an early age that she had to eat her food only to please her parents, and so did I.

I learned that snacks were better than what was actually good for my development, and that healthy foods were gross. "Honey, you can eat this brownie when you take a bite of your apple." Doing that only caused me to think, "Since I did daddy a favor, he needs to repay me." Therefore, that power has been put into my hands and I became the one in charge. Role confusion: I didn't fully understand that you were actually the boss.

This has affected the rest of my childhood. When you would ask me to do something, I didn't fully understand the reasons behind why I had to obey you. You are my parents, your roles were to teach me and I was supposed to listen.

Recently, I was surfing through Facebook when I found an article called,  "The Collapse of Parenting: Why it's Time for Parents to Grow Up". The article explains the different roles between parents and children and how those roles are changing over time. Parents are recognizing that they don't want to raise their children exactly how their own parents raised them. There are good things coming from this.

Nowadays, parents are encouraged to teach their children the nutritional values behind each food, and that food isn't "good" or "bad" but rather "healthy" and "not as healthy". This teaching between parents and their child has many positive benefits; it teaches the child what's good to eat, it bonds them with their parent, and shows the child their parents are the teacher; the boss.

Parents used to tell their children what to eat. Now, parents are showing their children a few options of healthy foods to choose from, or helping them prepare a portion of the meal. This creates bonding as well as keeps the roles of parenthood aligned. The child learns that they need to respect and obey their parents, and that their parents are the teacher and the one they go to when they have a question.

When a child understands the appropriate roles in their lives between them and their parents, it creates a good and healthy environment. The child can develop in the correct ways. When the child grows up as an adult and is ready to go to college, their decision making and their confidence to face the world are much stronger. Those who didn't necessarily have the best experience as a child in figuring out their roles will have a harder time as an adult. I am noticing this is where I am right now.

Recognizing this right before I'm about to head off into the real world helps me to know I have some learning to do. This is exactly why I am writing you this letter; it's my plea to you to never give up on me no matter how I react to you. I haven't been super confident in the right roles between me and you guys, but slowly and surely I'm learning.

 Forgive me if I bash at you for telling me how to do my finances. Don't flinch when I bark at you for reminding me of my priorities. And please, always remind me that you do this because you are my parents, you love me, and that I am your number one.

Love always,

Your daughter who sincerely cares

Budgeting: We All Need It

"One for the Money" by Marvin J. Ashton is an exceptionally great resource in learning how to manage money wisely. It discusses twelve ways in which to finance smartly:

1. Pay an honest tithe
2. Learn to manage money before it manages you
3. Learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters
4. Use a budget
5. Teach family members early the importance of working and earning
6. Teach children to make money decisions in keeping with their capacities to comprehend
7. Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare
8. Make education a continuing process
9. Work toward home ownership
10. Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program
11. Understand the influence of external forces on family finances and investments
12. Appropriately involve yourself in a food storage and emergency preparedness program

In the April 1975 general conference welfare session, Elder Ashton addressed what's inside this booklet.

In the same meeting, President Spencer W. Kimball stood and said, "I endorse what Brother Ashton has said. I think if I were starting with a young family, I would want to get the twelve points explained by Brother Ashton and follow them explicitly myself and teach my children and my family and everybody with whom I came in contact.

"It is basic. All my life from childhood I have heard the Brethren saying, 'Get out of debt and stay out of debt.' I was employed for some years in the banks and I saw the terrible situation that many people were in because they had ignored that important counsel.

I agree with all that Brother Ashton has said...with regard to family financing in the home. Every Family should have a budget...We have to know approximately what we may recieve, and we certainly must know what we are going to spend. And one of the successes of the Church would have to be that the Brethren watch these things very carefully, and we do not spend that which we do not have."

I agree with President Kimball's remarks. Budgeting is one of the most important actions we can take in helping our stress filled lives become more free. The great thing is, learning how to cope with money is all about taking one day at a time, keeping track of every little piece of money we earn spend, and save. Life isn't all about how much money we make; it's about what we do with the money we have.

Often times we get stuck in the pattern of running faster than we can afford, hoping that in the end we will be able to be caught up with everything we owe. It's so easy getting stuck in a mindset that "I can pay this off later", "this isn't that much money", etc, when it just takes one choice to get us into a hole that's super hard to get out of.

As individuals, the majority of our finances and what we spend our money on is towards taking care of ourselves. In a marriage, every budgeting decision is supposed to be unanimous. All the decisions made with money in a home is affected by both the husband and the wife.Many times in marriage people compete for the resources: what's important? what isn't important? when should we use this money to go on vacations or see a movie?

Cooperation is key. It's hard, but it's worth it. "One for the Money" is seriously a great resource for information on leaning the smartest ways to finance. I encourage all of you to read it. If you click on the title, it's a link that will bring you to the September 2007 conference talk on lds.org that addresses this very booklet. Everything in the booklet is in that talk.

The Power to Influence

Power: the capacity to influence

What do most of us think about when we hear the word power? We probably think of kings who rule kingdoms, or we may think about civilizations in the scriptures going down because of their pride and hunger for power. But is there another way in which power is used?

In our lives, we see how we are influenced by other people. That's easy. What isn't easy though, is to see how we are influencing someone else.

Power can have a lot of negative affects. Some of these include it's demanding, makes life uncomfortable, and can cause a withhold of affection/support.

In marriages, who is the one with the "most" power? Some may say it's the husband because he is generally the head of the household. Others may argue that the wife has the most power considering she is typically known to keep the home running smoothly and nurturing her children.


Let's start with the typical husband and pretend that he has all the "power" in this marriage. He goes to work and earns money for the family's needs and therefore has the power. He is the one responsible for protecting his family and consequently has the power. He is the one to show his sons what it means to be a man, and be an example to his daughters of who they should marry and thus has the power. He has the power over the family, so that's a good thing right?

What would be some effects in this typical marriage if he had all the power? He could feel too overbearing, and that sense of "power" could bring a feeling of pride. His feelings of pride and overbearing could cause his wife and children to become intimidated by him and thus withdraw. Pride is self centered; it sets aside love and concern. It clouds from us reality of things as they really are and causes us to forget relationships are what truly makes us happy.

Now let's look at the typical wife and pretend that she has all the power. She might have a job to help her husband provide for the family. She nurtures her children and makes sure their personal needs are met so she has all the power. She cooks the meals to make sure her children are fed and healthy and she helps them with her homework so she has the power.

What would be some of the effects in this typical marriage if she had all the power? The husband may feel like he's not doing his job as the father which could create tension between he and his wife. The children may not have as good a relationship with their father because the majority of the time their mother is home.


There are many ways in which "power" in marriage can be a negative influence. However, is there a positive way that power can be a good thing in marriage?

If we think about it, power is generally led to negative outcomes and can diminish relationships. In a marriage there is something that helps encourage the relationship and overall pleases the satisfaction.

Responsibility: taking your unique roles as man and wife and using them to help your wife/family out. It's encouraging your spouse to be their best self. It's lovingly working for your family so your wife can use that money to buy food for your children. It's cleaning the home so when your husband comes home he can relax. It's helping your children with their homework together, getting to know your children on individual levels, and ultimately becoming a family knit together in unity.

These actions encourage love and harmony in the home, they create respect for one another, and it's easier to request rather than demand. The home is much more comfortable, and showing affection in the home will come naturally.

It's time to influence for the better by taking responsibility for who you are and your unique roles in creating a more unified environment for your family. 

It's Impossible to not Not Communicate

There are many times it's rather difficult to understand someone else point of view. Quite often enough, we don't realize not everyone thinks the same we do.

President Harold B. Lee states, "In marriage, we need to communicate not only so we are understood, but also so we are not misunderstood."

There are three media, or ways to communicate:

1. words
2. tone
3. non-verbal

Just exactly how much of these three ways in which we communicate is the most effective? We may think it's all in the words.

Example, if  you cooked dinner for your spouse and they said, "thank you" with a frown on their face, do you think you would believe that they're grateful in you making that meal for them? How about when they said thank you they had a smile on their face. You would most likely believe them that time.

Studies show, about 14% of communication is effective with words, 35% is effective in the tone of voice, and about 51% of the communication is shown as non-verbal. This means that the majority of our communication we don't even think about, yet it speaks to others so loudly.

Some of these non-verbal ways can be a hug, a genuine smile, your facial expression when you hear shocking news, or your reaction to something you didn't want to hear. Actions speak much louder than words; we can tell anyone anything we want. However they aren't going to believe us until we actually show them that we are serious. 

There's a cycle in communicating where first it starts out as a thought/feeling from the sender. That thought/feeling is encoded to a media (as one of the different ways to communicate) seen/heard by the receiver. The person receiving the message then has to decode that media, figuring out what it was the sender was trying to say. The receiver then has a thought/feeling based on what the sender said, which they encode to the sender as a media and the sender has to decode the receiver's thought/feeling.

Based on our own points of view and experiences in our lives, it can be hard getting our point across to a person receiving our message. We can't read each others minds which can be frustrating as well. However, as we are open to our feelings with each other, that can help take away a lot of confusion. As we speak to one another in much nicer tones, that can create a better bond and unity between us and those we are speaking to.

I know from my own personal experience, this is way easier said than done. But on the contrary, I have seen how speaking in nicer tones, really listening and trying to understand the other person can be so effective and both points can get across with no problem.

What do you think? Feel free to leave comments down below!

I Get to Choose What I Think

Everyone deals with stress and crisis at one point in our lives when we may not want to. Think about these two words, stress and crisis. They probably sound like negative words that we all want to run away from. However, is there such thing as positive and good stress/crisis? How do we handle and cope with this stress in our lives, especially when it's in our own families?

Reuben Hill's theory is called the ABCX Theory: Actual event, Both resources/responses, Cognitions, and total eXperience.

His theory starts off with the "A"ctual event of the crisis. An example may include a separation in the family. Let's say the parents were divorced after about five years of marriage and they have two children. That could be a negative crisis for the family. The roles in the family would end up having to be changed and some of the children would feel like they need to step up and fill in those responsibilities their divorced parent had.

The children could take it as a really negative event in their lives, or they could use it in a positive way. This is where we get to the next part in Hill's theory, "B"oth resources and responses. The children could react in two different ways. They could be angry at their parents for choosing divorce, or they could look at that and think, "what could I learn from this and use it as something positive in my life?" Don't get me wrong, life is hard and it's so much easier said than done when it comes to tough situations. However, it can help, depending on the responses we make with life situations we may not have control of.

Cognition is so important in how we deal with family crisis and stresses. How we understand why events may have had to happen could help shape how we are going to deal with them in the long run.

For example, my family went through a recent unexpected event in which our home caught on fire and my family has had to live in someone's basement for a time. I know, super random right? My family could have just thought of that experience as a negative event and complained the whole time. I am very amazed at how my family has been able to cope with this unexpected event because of their positivity. They understand the importance of reacting in a positive way and trying to see the good in bad situations. Yes, it's inconvient, but they didn't let it ruin their lives. They fought their way through it, and others around them have been so supportive of them as well. Their positive impact on me has helped me cope with this crisis as well.

The total experience is what I think is so important. I love to look back on events in my life and think how awesome it is that I was able to get through something, no matter how big or small it may seem. Some families suffer through addictions, some through abuse, others with house fires and more with divorce. These all seem like they would be negative stress in our lives and in the home.

I feel that the most important thing we can do as individuals is to try to see the positive during hard times. This is earth, we are human, and hard times will come. It's up to us how we are going to react to them.

Crisis literally means both danger and opportunity. Likewise, these experiences we face in our families and as individuals can be horrible, but in the long run they help us become stronger people.

If So, What?

In order for information to do any good in your life you must first apply it.  The way you date really shows what kind of marriage you're gonna have. 

There are certain processes that one must simply go through before you can have a successful marriage.  These processes are dating, courting, engagement, and marriage.

  Let's look at the first process: dating.

Many people believe that dating is choosing to go on a couple dates with someone, and once you go on about two to four dates then all of a sudden you're a couple. Why? I have no idea. There is a distinct difference between dating someone and going on dates with someone.

We are encouraged by modern prophets to date lots of people and get to know lots of people. This opens the window of many opportunities in getting to know others. In some people you may like their certain characteristics while others you may like their personality. Compare some poeple to others based on what you're interested in and what you would like in a companion. Marriage is a really big decision, so it's much better to see what is out there than rushing into marriage blindly.

Dating also allows interaction with the opposite gender. People are able to practice their unique gender roles in dating as well. A women is able to practice her primary roles of nurturing those she dates. She can do so by being kind and caring to those men she goes on dates with. This is great practice for when she will have to interact with her husband in marriage. Men, on the other hand, will be able to practice his roles in providing for her when dating. He will be the one initiating and planning the dates, paying for the date, and getting to know her better by pairing off.

Courting is the next step in the process to marriage. Courting is when a couple is exclusively dating another person. Courting should happen when one is ready for a companion in their life. This stage is more of a commitment with that other person. Their attachment to them emotionally, spiritually, and physically is stronger. Therefore, if they were to ever break up, what would that mean?

Research shows that when one becomes attached to someone, it makes it harder to attach in other places. This shows in adults in courting and also is shown in children. While a child is more familiar with their home environment, moving to a different one can be really hard and rather painful. In a breakup, the couple with that deep attachment are in pain because that attachment has been broken and changed. It becomes harder for them to move on in life.

The third process is the engagement. In the engagement, couples are practicing patterns and making decisions that they will have to when they are married. Some couples court for a long time then have a shorter engagement. Others have a shorter courting life but a really long engagement. Is there a negative impact in their married lives on how long they court one another and are engaged?

This brings me to my last point which is marriage. Studies show that those who have a shorter courting relationship and longer engagement have more negative outcomes in their marriages than those who have courted longer with shorter engagements. It takes a lot of time to really get to know a person, so for lots of people, having shorter courtships doesn't work well. That time for couples to really get to know the other person is extremely necessary.

The way a couple courts leaks into their marriage. This can be good and bad. If the couple has good healthy habits with their own lives as well as their romantic life, those good habits will follow them into their marriage. The opposite is true as well. If there are still things one or both of the individuals need to fix that could impact their marriage negatively, those should be changed.

Dating, courting, engagement and marriage is a process that takes time. Marriage is a big decision, so be sure to stay smart about it! :)