Your neighbors just move into the house right next to yours. That home is a nice looking home, with a white picket fence in the front yard. You decide you want to get to know your new neighbors so you walk over to their home and stop short right in front of the brand new picket fence. What's the message your new neighbors may be telling you in purpose of building that picket fence? Well, the fence is white, which is an indication of a safer color as opposed to a darker one, like grey or black. You notice the style of the home; it has the traditional look of a very welcoming family. The fence is spiked at the top, probably indicating that it's not alright to straddle over the fence but rather okay to talk to the homeowners across the fence. One more look at the fence and you see there's a small gate. You assume that's their way of saying, "Come in, we allow visitors and we want to get to know you on a mutual level."
There are many different types of boundaries and many ways in which we show others those types of boundaries.This new family with the white picket fence is clearly a more balanced boundary, in which that family knows where they stand and let others know that right away. Another example of a boundary is caution tape wrapped around the perimeter of a home that has just been burned with fire. That caution tape is indicating to people to be careful and not get too close because it can be dangerous. What sorts of boundaries do you notice in your own families? There could be some who are more welcoming and loving than others, some who contribute to the family off and on or those who don't at all. What sorts of relationships do you have with your family members that create those boundaries? Are there certain events that create them later on in life?
I am going to talk of three specific boundaries found in families. The first boundary is called a "rigid" boundary, in which this boundary is more restrictive, more tense and less free flow. The second is a "clear" boundary. This boundary is very flexible, specific needs are met and rules are clear to follow; very balanced. The last one is called the "diffused" boundary. There is little if no supervision, minimum rules to follow or they aren't clear at all and just very carefree; no set limitations.
A qualitative study on a family was given that shows how immigration impacted Mexican families systems and family boundaries. This story starts off by explaining how the family were well off and very successful in their lives. They spent lots of time with their extended families, the father was a successful businessman, and the mother was a stay-at-home mom. Their lives were pretty balanced in family roles and boundaries were clear.
Fast forward, the parents wanted to move states so the children would have more opportunities in life. The father left the home first; this was super risky and scary. It costed him about $4,000 to cross and he hired someone to help him cross safely. The family guesstimated it would only take him about a year for him to earn enough money to take the rest of his family across the border. However, this wasn't the case and it took three times as long as they had predicted because it was so challenging of him to find work and he only made about $200 a month.
Back at home, there were many changes; family's support system (father) was gone. Therefore, mother had to step up and be the dad for a while, earning money to support her family. She was inexperienced in working so that limited her as to what job she could find. That also limited her with how much money she would make. Grandma stepped in and became "mom" because the mother was gone all day, which shifted her roles from being grandma. The children (a son and daughter) didn't have a father figure around. However, they did grow close to their mother as she stepped in and took charge in providing. When grandma pitched in, the children wouldn't listen to her because she didn't have that "mom authority". The family's extended family used to get together with them to have fun, however now they had to pitch in and help support this family. Life became more of a chore than fun.
Having the father leave the family for a period of time changed the family dramatically. Stress levels rose, parenting roles weren't met as they were supposed to, and the overall balance wasn't very good. How did this affect the boundaries? Let's look at the teenage son. He was about 18 years old when those three years passed. There are a lot of choices for a young 18 year old to make. It's a lot easier making those choices with a parental figure in their life. However, considering the circumstances that was difficult. The teen would have to find a job to not just support himself, but to help raise money so the rest of the family could cross the border. Soon after about three and a half years, the family earned enough money to cross the border and were reunited with their father.
How was it like when they were finally reunited with their father? He was a very different person, as we can imagine they were different as well. Over the years, the children came closer to mom because she stepped up, taking over her husbands roles. Likewise, when their father was there to fulfill those roles, the children weren't used to it and had to adjust. They weren't so close to their father either because they had to deal with not having him around for so long. The mother wasn't as close to her husband either and had to adjust accordingly, allowing her husband to take on his role again.
If we were to look at this family through boundaries, how would it look after the three and a half years?
The mother and father could have had a rigid boundary once they were reunited. The mother had to adjust to allow her husband to take on his role again. That would have taken time, and lots of communication between them both.
The boundary between the mother and her children could have been rigid as well. That stress of her stepping up and taking over the fathers roles for a while caused her children to lose her a little bit from spending time with her. This left her children to have to fend for themselves more than not. However, their boundary could have been a little more welcoming in the sense of how she was always the one there and not their father so her children would talk with her more about life.
The boundary between the father and his children could have been more rigid because they didn't know who the "new" father was, and vise versa with the father's point of view on his children. Since he was never there those last few years, they didn't have that special bonding time to share with him. They would have had to "start over" in getting to know their new father.
The children's boundaries with one another could have been more clear because they always had one another to rely on if there wasn't anyone else they could go to. They had each other to support and help throughout their teenage years.
Look at your own families in what types of boundaries there seem to be. What sort of things can you do in your family to create a more clear boundary? How can you help your relationship with that person (or people) grow stronger? Trying to develop a clear boundary might be weird at first, however it will become easier as you put more effort into it. I believe that no matter how "distant" some of our relationships may seem to be, there is always room to start again.
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