Born that Way

Are people born homosexual, or is that learned?

This is the question many of us have. I feel the topic of homosexuality is a very tender topic that should be carefully discussed. Not many people enjoy discussing this topic, however I think it is an important one. What is the real science behind homosexuality and what makes someone think they are gay or lesbian?

Click here for a video titled "Understanding Same-sex Attraction". This video illustrates the research behind homosexuality. A few males who have been struggling with same-sex attraction are interviewed about their experiences in how they felt like they were homosexual. One of the interviewees from the video is named Caleb, and I will use him as an example throughout this post.

There are main points each person had in common:

1. A wounded gender identity

A five year old boy who has only older sisters who play dress up with him, do his nails and play dolls with him won't know "boys don't generally do that." He will think it's fun and normal. When he goes to kindergarten and starts interacting with peers his own age, he will most likely want to fit in with the other boys. Those boys most likely won't play dolls, dress up and do nails cause that's not what a typical boy does. He may not feel like he fits in with the other boys because he only grew up with sisters. That could cause him to be confused as to why those boys are playing with trucks and play fighting instead of playing with dolls.

When Caleb was younger, he wanted to fit in with the other boys. He was always one of the skinnier guys, so he had a hard time playing sports and being one of the "big guys." What happened because of that?

He ended up feeling inadequate, and didn't think he fit in with those other boys. Others would mention his small size, in which he perceived it in a negative way and would wonder if there was something wrong with him just because others thought him as "different." When someone perceives that they're an outcast, it is just as powerful as being rejected.

Caleb also wanted to be a father when he grew up. He struggled with this concept because of those thoughts of confusion in wondering if he really was different than everyone else. He thought he was "outside" of being able to become a father and worried if he could ever love another woman like a straight guy would.

2. Bullying

The five year old's peers would notice that he doesn't play with trucks and boy toys, so therefore he must be "different." When one kid thinks another is weird or different, that can lead to bullying. Bullying is very common at every age, but when a five year old is bullied, that is devastating. That child only wants acceptance and to be liked by his peers. This five year old boy is only trying to fit in with his peers, but they reject him. They make fun of him being "different" and therefore this causes the boy to disconnect himself from other boys.

Bullying doesn't have to happen only with peers, it can happen at home. Caleb was teased by his family for being different and not looking like the typical guy in size. This was a big negative turning point in his life because his own family would reject him. Where else did he have to turn?

3. Father hunger

Many families who have a father who isn't around much in the home, they are abusive, or they aren't connected with their children in some way can cause negative effects in the family. That lack of a father figure can cause an emotional hole of attachment to form in the child's needs. That child feels disconnected and hungry for a bond he's not getting, and those feelings aren't going to go away. That child will go searching for something, anything, to fill those needs.

4. Mother confusion

Some sons who struggle with same-sex attraction are either over connected with their mothers or they are smothered by their mother. For example, let's say they grow up in a family whom the mother is the overpowering one to make all the decisions while the father holds back or isn't around. That could give the son the impression that men are weak and women are the ones who in a sense "overrule". This leads to the confusion in what his role as a boy is to be.

5. Inappropriate touch

When Caleb was about five or six, he was molested by someone. He explains that that effected him greatly.

Some people who are molested at such a young age may not understand what it is they're feeling or if that act was okay. It petrifies and damages them at a very deep emotional level. Touch is powerful, and when it's abused that can leave a deep mark.

6. Pornography

There are lots of people who have a problem/addiction to pornography; it's not just a men problem, it's a human problem. Actively searching for pornography reinforces those feelings of arousal and bonding, in this case for the one struggling in same-sex attraction. It places those images in their brain and connects it with those sexual feelings. At least 75% of men who struggle with same-sex attraction have a problem with pornography.

The interviewees in the video explained that they were addicted to pornography, in which didn't help their struggle at all. It reinforced it and it became harder and harder to change. It took them great effort on their part with therapy and other support to stop searching out pornography and ultimately get over lusting after their same sex.

Pornography is destructive to everyone, not just those struggling with homosexuality. It's destructive to the individual and damages relationships like no other.

As we see these six different ways that each interviewee had in common, what does this tell us about homosexuality?

These were EVENTS that lead up to thoughts of being homosexual, the big one starting off as their own gender identity only because people thought they were "different".

The video tells of a study about identical twins and their DNA. They looked at 33,000 pairs of twins. The study shows if one twin was homosexual genetically, the other twin would have to be homosexual 100%. However, they found that when one twin was homosexual, the other twin was homosexual only 11% of the time.

What sort of hope does this give us? If people typically aren't born homosexual, what does that mean for those who do struggle with feelings of homosexuality?

We all have agency and we all make choices. Therefore, those struggling with homosexuality can choose to change, and that is beautiful. But change isn't easy, and that's why people are afraid to try.

Caleb tells of his experience. Once he was able to ponder his life, noticing those moments that may have lead up to his feelings of same-sex attraction, he was able to feel better as to who he was. He realized that he had that power to change, and he didn't HAVE to stay homosexual. He could grow out of it, he could find a wife and love her more than anything and he could be a father.

He explained that once he was able to work through those feelings, he noticed what happened one day when he was hanging out with a group of guys. He could, for the first time in a long time, look at them and those feelings of lust were completely gone. Instead, he admired them for what kind of person they were.

Caleb's big turning point was being accepted as a guy, not a homosexual. He felt connection, he felt love, and he became happy for who he had become. I think it's incredible.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to change, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't impossible. We can all change and become who WE want to be because we have that choice.

That is beautiful.