Ladies, I know we all have that one cute guy we saw at the other end of the classroom whom we want to ask us out on a date. Gentlemen, same goes for you with the that cute girl you noticed at that lunch table. Should you ask that attractive person to hangout with you and some friends, or is it safe to ask them on an official date?
When does it become a date vs a hangout?
I feel that our culture today is becoming more and more casual in the world of dating. More young adults are hanging out rather than dating, which in turn can cause a lot of problems if in search to find a future companion. How do we prepare ourselves more for marriage? Do the ways we live now affect our married lives?
If you want to be more prepared for marriage, you have to stop hanging out. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, of the quorum of the twelve apostles, first explains this concept to women in his General Conference talk titled "Dating versus Hanging Out".
"Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are
simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to
hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize
freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men
who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I
think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door."
Elder Oaks emphasizes a similar statement for young men:
"Men, if you have returned from your mission and you are still following
the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it
is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to
pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young
women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship.
It’s marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for His young adult
sons and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on
with it. If you don’t know what a date is, perhaps this definition will
help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A “date” must pass
the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off."
I'm sure we all have different views on what is considered a date as opposed to hanging out. Let's talk about these three concepts that differ a date from a hangout:
1. In a date, the activity is planned.
A man makes a conscious decision to ask her out that he follows through with, she agrees to go and congratulations, it's a date. He plans out a specific activity to do for the date, they go on their date, they have a good time getting to know one another, and in some cases the guy will get a second date out of it that could potentially go somewhere. Simple as that.
So often in hanging out, young adults go to each others apartments and just chill or watch a movie. Nothing planned, just "hanging out." It's a stress free, laid back environment where everyone can just sit and have a good time. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out. However, if you're trying to find an eternal companion, hanging out is not the best option.
2. The date is paid for.
He calls her and asks her on a date in which he takes the initiative to provide the money to pay for dinner/the activity.
When you're hanging out with a person and you go to an activity, both people end up paying with their own money; each to their own. This is fine, nothing wrong with it...as long as neither of them are counting it as a date, because it's not one. ;)
3. The couple is paired off.
Boys, when you're on a date with a girl, you tend to feel more responsible for that girl's safety, right? This is also the same concept for girls, she wants to feel safe with you. On this date, your focus is on each other. You spend time getting to know that one person, their likes and dislikes, discovering qualities in that person, etc.
While hanging out, the focus is more on the group. That feel of responsibility could either diminish, or if there's one guy hanging out with a lot of girls, that guy could feel responsible for all those girls' safety and well-being. That heightens the stress for that guy in making sure all the girls are okay.
How does this apply for preparing for marriage and raising a family?
There are three concepts that we can apply to the three that Elder Oak's had just mentioned. They are provide, preside, and protect.
1. Provide
In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, we learn the importance of providing in the family. It states they are to "provide for their [children's] physical and spiritual needs." Providing is similar to "paid for" because the husband generally wants to work, providing for his wife and their family. He wants to be useful in the family so his wife can have those resources available in helping take care of the kids. Both parents are committed in the relationship and taking care of their family.
2. Preside
Presiding is similar to planning, because presiding focuses on what's most important in the family. Planning vacations, figuring out the financial situations, or how to run the family. Both parents work together in how they would like to live their family lives. This takes a lot of communication as well, so both parents are on the same page with everything so the home can run smoothly.
3. Protect
The Family Proclamation says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and
righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life
and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In
these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help
one another as equal partners." This is similar to "paired off" because both the mother and the father are putting one another first and providing for their family together. They are thinking about the basic needs for their children and living by those standards as well as keeping one another taken care of.
The best predictor of future behavior is current behavior. If you want to live by these ways, you need to practice them now. I feel like people tend to think that once they're married, their lives will magically change into perfection. However, that's not the case, ever. Dating takes effort, and in turn so does marriage. It takes two people to continue to feed a relationship and continue to commitment to one another.
If you want to have a good and healthy dating life with your partner, you must practice it BEFORE you decide to get married. Patterns and habits you have now will leak into your married life. If you don't want certain things in your married and future life, I suggest you change something starting now.
Go meet someone new, go ask someone out! :)
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Born that Way
Are people born homosexual, or is that learned?
This is the question many of us have. I feel the topic of homosexuality is a very tender topic that should be carefully discussed. Not many people enjoy discussing this topic, however I think it is an important one. What is the real science behind homosexuality and what makes someone think they are gay or lesbian?
Click here for a video titled "Understanding Same-sex Attraction". This video illustrates the research behind homosexuality. A few males who have been struggling with same-sex attraction are interviewed about their experiences in how they felt like they were homosexual. One of the interviewees from the video is named Caleb, and I will use him as an example throughout this post.
There are main points each person had in common:
1. A wounded gender identity
A five year old boy who has only older sisters who play dress up with him, do his nails and play dolls with him won't know "boys don't generally do that." He will think it's fun and normal. When he goes to kindergarten and starts interacting with peers his own age, he will most likely want to fit in with the other boys. Those boys most likely won't play dolls, dress up and do nails cause that's not what a typical boy does. He may not feel like he fits in with the other boys because he only grew up with sisters. That could cause him to be confused as to why those boys are playing with trucks and play fighting instead of playing with dolls.
When Caleb was younger, he wanted to fit in with the other boys. He was always one of the skinnier guys, so he had a hard time playing sports and being one of the "big guys." What happened because of that?
He ended up feeling inadequate, and didn't think he fit in with those other boys. Others would mention his small size, in which he perceived it in a negative way and would wonder if there was something wrong with him just because others thought him as "different." When someone perceives that they're an outcast, it is just as powerful as being rejected.
Caleb also wanted to be a father when he grew up. He struggled with this concept because of those thoughts of confusion in wondering if he really was different than everyone else. He thought he was "outside" of being able to become a father and worried if he could ever love another woman like a straight guy would.
2. Bullying
The five year old's peers would notice that he doesn't play with trucks and boy toys, so therefore he must be "different." When one kid thinks another is weird or different, that can lead to bullying. Bullying is very common at every age, but when a five year old is bullied, that is devastating. That child only wants acceptance and to be liked by his peers. This five year old boy is only trying to fit in with his peers, but they reject him. They make fun of him being "different" and therefore this causes the boy to disconnect himself from other boys.
Bullying doesn't have to happen only with peers, it can happen at home. Caleb was teased by his family for being different and not looking like the typical guy in size. This was a big negative turning point in his life because his own family would reject him. Where else did he have to turn?
3. Father hunger
Many families who have a father who isn't around much in the home, they are abusive, or they aren't connected with their children in some way can cause negative effects in the family. That lack of a father figure can cause an emotional hole of attachment to form in the child's needs. That child feels disconnected and hungry for a bond he's not getting, and those feelings aren't going to go away. That child will go searching for something, anything, to fill those needs.
4. Mother confusion
Some sons who struggle with same-sex attraction are either over connected with their mothers or they are smothered by their mother. For example, let's say they grow up in a family whom the mother is the overpowering one to make all the decisions while the father holds back or isn't around. That could give the son the impression that men are weak and women are the ones who in a sense "overrule". This leads to the confusion in what his role as a boy is to be.
5. Inappropriate touch
When Caleb was about five or six, he was molested by someone. He explains that that effected him greatly.
Some people who are molested at such a young age may not understand what it is they're feeling or if that act was okay. It petrifies and damages them at a very deep emotional level. Touch is powerful, and when it's abused that can leave a deep mark.
6. Pornography
There are lots of people who have a problem/addiction to pornography; it's not just a men problem, it's a human problem. Actively searching for pornography reinforces those feelings of arousal and bonding, in this case for the one struggling in same-sex attraction. It places those images in their brain and connects it with those sexual feelings. At least 75% of men who struggle with same-sex attraction have a problem with pornography.
The interviewees in the video explained that they were addicted to pornography, in which didn't help their struggle at all. It reinforced it and it became harder and harder to change. It took them great effort on their part with therapy and other support to stop searching out pornography and ultimately get over lusting after their same sex.
Pornography is destructive to everyone, not just those struggling with homosexuality. It's destructive to the individual and damages relationships like no other.
As we see these six different ways that each interviewee had in common, what does this tell us about homosexuality?
These were EVENTS that lead up to thoughts of being homosexual, the big one starting off as their own gender identity only because people thought they were "different".
The video tells of a study about identical twins and their DNA. They looked at 33,000 pairs of twins. The study shows if one twin was homosexual genetically, the other twin would have to be homosexual 100%. However, they found that when one twin was homosexual, the other twin was homosexual only 11% of the time.
What sort of hope does this give us? If people typically aren't born homosexual, what does that mean for those who do struggle with feelings of homosexuality?
We all have agency and we all make choices. Therefore, those struggling with homosexuality can choose to change, and that is beautiful. But change isn't easy, and that's why people are afraid to try.
Caleb tells of his experience. Once he was able to ponder his life, noticing those moments that may have lead up to his feelings of same-sex attraction, he was able to feel better as to who he was. He realized that he had that power to change, and he didn't HAVE to stay homosexual. He could grow out of it, he could find a wife and love her more than anything and he could be a father.
He explained that once he was able to work through those feelings, he noticed what happened one day when he was hanging out with a group of guys. He could, for the first time in a long time, look at them and those feelings of lust were completely gone. Instead, he admired them for what kind of person they were.
Caleb's big turning point was being accepted as a guy, not a homosexual. He felt connection, he felt love, and he became happy for who he had become. I think it's incredible.
I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to change, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't impossible. We can all change and become who WE want to be because we have that choice.
That is beautiful.
This is the question many of us have. I feel the topic of homosexuality is a very tender topic that should be carefully discussed. Not many people enjoy discussing this topic, however I think it is an important one. What is the real science behind homosexuality and what makes someone think they are gay or lesbian?
Click here for a video titled "Understanding Same-sex Attraction". This video illustrates the research behind homosexuality. A few males who have been struggling with same-sex attraction are interviewed about their experiences in how they felt like they were homosexual. One of the interviewees from the video is named Caleb, and I will use him as an example throughout this post.
There are main points each person had in common:
1. A wounded gender identity
A five year old boy who has only older sisters who play dress up with him, do his nails and play dolls with him won't know "boys don't generally do that." He will think it's fun and normal. When he goes to kindergarten and starts interacting with peers his own age, he will most likely want to fit in with the other boys. Those boys most likely won't play dolls, dress up and do nails cause that's not what a typical boy does. He may not feel like he fits in with the other boys because he only grew up with sisters. That could cause him to be confused as to why those boys are playing with trucks and play fighting instead of playing with dolls.
When Caleb was younger, he wanted to fit in with the other boys. He was always one of the skinnier guys, so he had a hard time playing sports and being one of the "big guys." What happened because of that?
He ended up feeling inadequate, and didn't think he fit in with those other boys. Others would mention his small size, in which he perceived it in a negative way and would wonder if there was something wrong with him just because others thought him as "different." When someone perceives that they're an outcast, it is just as powerful as being rejected.
Caleb also wanted to be a father when he grew up. He struggled with this concept because of those thoughts of confusion in wondering if he really was different than everyone else. He thought he was "outside" of being able to become a father and worried if he could ever love another woman like a straight guy would.
2. Bullying
The five year old's peers would notice that he doesn't play with trucks and boy toys, so therefore he must be "different." When one kid thinks another is weird or different, that can lead to bullying. Bullying is very common at every age, but when a five year old is bullied, that is devastating. That child only wants acceptance and to be liked by his peers. This five year old boy is only trying to fit in with his peers, but they reject him. They make fun of him being "different" and therefore this causes the boy to disconnect himself from other boys.
Bullying doesn't have to happen only with peers, it can happen at home. Caleb was teased by his family for being different and not looking like the typical guy in size. This was a big negative turning point in his life because his own family would reject him. Where else did he have to turn?
3. Father hunger
Many families who have a father who isn't around much in the home, they are abusive, or they aren't connected with their children in some way can cause negative effects in the family. That lack of a father figure can cause an emotional hole of attachment to form in the child's needs. That child feels disconnected and hungry for a bond he's not getting, and those feelings aren't going to go away. That child will go searching for something, anything, to fill those needs.
4. Mother confusion
Some sons who struggle with same-sex attraction are either over connected with their mothers or they are smothered by their mother. For example, let's say they grow up in a family whom the mother is the overpowering one to make all the decisions while the father holds back or isn't around. That could give the son the impression that men are weak and women are the ones who in a sense "overrule". This leads to the confusion in what his role as a boy is to be.
5. Inappropriate touch
When Caleb was about five or six, he was molested by someone. He explains that that effected him greatly.
Some people who are molested at such a young age may not understand what it is they're feeling or if that act was okay. It petrifies and damages them at a very deep emotional level. Touch is powerful, and when it's abused that can leave a deep mark.
6. Pornography
There are lots of people who have a problem/addiction to pornography; it's not just a men problem, it's a human problem. Actively searching for pornography reinforces those feelings of arousal and bonding, in this case for the one struggling in same-sex attraction. It places those images in their brain and connects it with those sexual feelings. At least 75% of men who struggle with same-sex attraction have a problem with pornography.
The interviewees in the video explained that they were addicted to pornography, in which didn't help their struggle at all. It reinforced it and it became harder and harder to change. It took them great effort on their part with therapy and other support to stop searching out pornography and ultimately get over lusting after their same sex.
Pornography is destructive to everyone, not just those struggling with homosexuality. It's destructive to the individual and damages relationships like no other.
As we see these six different ways that each interviewee had in common, what does this tell us about homosexuality?
These were EVENTS that lead up to thoughts of being homosexual, the big one starting off as their own gender identity only because people thought they were "different".
The video tells of a study about identical twins and their DNA. They looked at 33,000 pairs of twins. The study shows if one twin was homosexual genetically, the other twin would have to be homosexual 100%. However, they found that when one twin was homosexual, the other twin was homosexual only 11% of the time.
What sort of hope does this give us? If people typically aren't born homosexual, what does that mean for those who do struggle with feelings of homosexuality?
We all have agency and we all make choices. Therefore, those struggling with homosexuality can choose to change, and that is beautiful. But change isn't easy, and that's why people are afraid to try.
Caleb tells of his experience. Once he was able to ponder his life, noticing those moments that may have lead up to his feelings of same-sex attraction, he was able to feel better as to who he was. He realized that he had that power to change, and he didn't HAVE to stay homosexual. He could grow out of it, he could find a wife and love her more than anything and he could be a father.
He explained that once he was able to work through those feelings, he noticed what happened one day when he was hanging out with a group of guys. He could, for the first time in a long time, look at them and those feelings of lust were completely gone. Instead, he admired them for what kind of person they were.
Caleb's big turning point was being accepted as a guy, not a homosexual. He felt connection, he felt love, and he became happy for who he had become. I think it's incredible.
I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to change, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't impossible. We can all change and become who WE want to be because we have that choice.
That is beautiful.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Boys will be Girls
"We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." -Glora Steinham
Is this statement true? Are boys and girls so much the same in which we need to raise them the same, or are they different?
Boys and girls have the same basic needs: survival, self-esteem, intimacy, and growth. As we look deeper into the needs for males and females, we will begin to see as to why men and women act differently.
When you put children together in a room with lots of toys, what do we notice? The girls tend to do more social play, relationship oriented and are more sensitive and caring. They will comb the Barbie's hair, rock the baby doll back and forth. The boys tend to play more aggressive, rough housing and spatial, making toy guns out of Legos or knocking down blocks with trucks. What causes these differences in their playing? Is it because that's just how parents taught them to be, or are they just naturally like that?
Biologically, men and women aren't the same. When a wife becomes pregnant, her biological motives are to create that baby inside of her. Her husbands biological motives are to protect her and their family. Therefore, our different functions allow us to live together in such a way that they compliment one another.
Women have a hormone called oxytocin that's responsible in helping nurture, bond, and love. If a kitten were to nurse from a female dog, the dog would accept the kitten because that chemical bond is present from the oxytocin. She would be accepting and love that kitten; it's built in their nature.
Men have a hormone called testosterone that causes them to be more aggressive and competitive. This is why men primarily like to be the ones to initiate situations, play rough with another, or protect their families; it's built in their nature.
Our roles as being nurturers/aggressive appear to be natural rather than learned. Let's look at this in a more spiritual setting.
President Gordon B. Hinckley tells us about the responsibilities and roles as male and female, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, and children. In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, he states, "All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God. Each beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny."
I love that statement because it lets me know I have a purpose on this earth with who I am.
The proclamation continues, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal destiny and purpose...by divine design, fathers are to preside over the families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."
God has specifically made a plan to carry out these individual roles as male and female so we can help one another out. It's good that boys and girls are different; they're complimentary. That's the way it was meant to be from the very beginning when God created us.
What do you have to say about this? Feel free to leave a comment because I would love to have a discussion with you! :)
Is this statement true? Are boys and girls so much the same in which we need to raise them the same, or are they different?
Boys and girls have the same basic needs: survival, self-esteem, intimacy, and growth. As we look deeper into the needs for males and females, we will begin to see as to why men and women act differently.
When you put children together in a room with lots of toys, what do we notice? The girls tend to do more social play, relationship oriented and are more sensitive and caring. They will comb the Barbie's hair, rock the baby doll back and forth. The boys tend to play more aggressive, rough housing and spatial, making toy guns out of Legos or knocking down blocks with trucks. What causes these differences in their playing? Is it because that's just how parents taught them to be, or are they just naturally like that?
Biologically, men and women aren't the same. When a wife becomes pregnant, her biological motives are to create that baby inside of her. Her husbands biological motives are to protect her and their family. Therefore, our different functions allow us to live together in such a way that they compliment one another.
Women have a hormone called oxytocin that's responsible in helping nurture, bond, and love. If a kitten were to nurse from a female dog, the dog would accept the kitten because that chemical bond is present from the oxytocin. She would be accepting and love that kitten; it's built in their nature.
Men have a hormone called testosterone that causes them to be more aggressive and competitive. This is why men primarily like to be the ones to initiate situations, play rough with another, or protect their families; it's built in their nature.
Our roles as being nurturers/aggressive appear to be natural rather than learned. Let's look at this in a more spiritual setting.
President Gordon B. Hinckley tells us about the responsibilities and roles as male and female, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, and children. In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, he states, "All human beings-male and female-are created in the image of God. Each beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny."
I love that statement because it lets me know I have a purpose on this earth with who I am.
The proclamation continues, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal destiny and purpose...by divine design, fathers are to preside over the families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."
God has specifically made a plan to carry out these individual roles as male and female so we can help one another out. It's good that boys and girls are different; they're complimentary. That's the way it was meant to be from the very beginning when God created us.
What do you have to say about this? Feel free to leave a comment because I would love to have a discussion with you! :)
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Boundaries: Are they Neccesary?
Your neighbors just move into the house right next to yours. That home is a nice looking home, with a white picket fence in the front yard. You decide you want to get to know your new neighbors so you walk over to their home and stop short right in front of the brand new picket fence. What's the message your new neighbors may be telling you in purpose of building that picket fence? Well, the fence is white, which is an indication of a safer color as opposed to a darker one, like grey or black. You notice the style of the home; it has the traditional look of a very welcoming family. The fence is spiked at the top, probably indicating that it's not alright to straddle over the fence but rather okay to talk to the homeowners across the fence. One more look at the fence and you see there's a small gate. You assume that's their way of saying, "Come in, we allow visitors and we want to get to know you on a mutual level."
There are many different types of boundaries and many ways in which we show others those types of boundaries.This new family with the white picket fence is clearly a more balanced boundary, in which that family knows where they stand and let others know that right away. Another example of a boundary is caution tape wrapped around the perimeter of a home that has just been burned with fire. That caution tape is indicating to people to be careful and not get too close because it can be dangerous. What sorts of boundaries do you notice in your own families? There could be some who are more welcoming and loving than others, some who contribute to the family off and on or those who don't at all. What sorts of relationships do you have with your family members that create those boundaries? Are there certain events that create them later on in life?
I am going to talk of three specific boundaries found in families. The first boundary is called a "rigid" boundary, in which this boundary is more restrictive, more tense and less free flow. The second is a "clear" boundary. This boundary is very flexible, specific needs are met and rules are clear to follow; very balanced. The last one is called the "diffused" boundary. There is little if no supervision, minimum rules to follow or they aren't clear at all and just very carefree; no set limitations.
A qualitative study on a family was given that shows how immigration impacted Mexican families systems and family boundaries. This story starts off by explaining how the family were well off and very successful in their lives. They spent lots of time with their extended families, the father was a successful businessman, and the mother was a stay-at-home mom. Their lives were pretty balanced in family roles and boundaries were clear.
Fast forward, the parents wanted to move states so the children would have more opportunities in life. The father left the home first; this was super risky and scary. It costed him about $4,000 to cross and he hired someone to help him cross safely. The family guesstimated it would only take him about a year for him to earn enough money to take the rest of his family across the border. However, this wasn't the case and it took three times as long as they had predicted because it was so challenging of him to find work and he only made about $200 a month.
Back at home, there were many changes; family's support system (father) was gone. Therefore, mother had to step up and be the dad for a while, earning money to support her family. She was inexperienced in working so that limited her as to what job she could find. That also limited her with how much money she would make. Grandma stepped in and became "mom" because the mother was gone all day, which shifted her roles from being grandma. The children (a son and daughter) didn't have a father figure around. However, they did grow close to their mother as she stepped in and took charge in providing. When grandma pitched in, the children wouldn't listen to her because she didn't have that "mom authority". The family's extended family used to get together with them to have fun, however now they had to pitch in and help support this family. Life became more of a chore than fun.
Having the father leave the family for a period of time changed the family dramatically. Stress levels rose, parenting roles weren't met as they were supposed to, and the overall balance wasn't very good. How did this affect the boundaries? Let's look at the teenage son. He was about 18 years old when those three years passed. There are a lot of choices for a young 18 year old to make. It's a lot easier making those choices with a parental figure in their life. However, considering the circumstances that was difficult. The teen would have to find a job to not just support himself, but to help raise money so the rest of the family could cross the border. Soon after about three and a half years, the family earned enough money to cross the border and were reunited with their father.
How was it like when they were finally reunited with their father? He was a very different person, as we can imagine they were different as well. Over the years, the children came closer to mom because she stepped up, taking over her husbands roles. Likewise, when their father was there to fulfill those roles, the children weren't used to it and had to adjust. They weren't so close to their father either because they had to deal with not having him around for so long. The mother wasn't as close to her husband either and had to adjust accordingly, allowing her husband to take on his role again.
If we were to look at this family through boundaries, how would it look after the three and a half years?
The mother and father could have had a rigid boundary once they were reunited. The mother had to adjust to allow her husband to take on his role again. That would have taken time, and lots of communication between them both.
The boundary between the mother and her children could have been rigid as well. That stress of her stepping up and taking over the fathers roles for a while caused her children to lose her a little bit from spending time with her. This left her children to have to fend for themselves more than not. However, their boundary could have been a little more welcoming in the sense of how she was always the one there and not their father so her children would talk with her more about life.
The boundary between the father and his children could have been more rigid because they didn't know who the "new" father was, and vise versa with the father's point of view on his children. Since he was never there those last few years, they didn't have that special bonding time to share with him. They would have had to "start over" in getting to know their new father.
The children's boundaries with one another could have been more clear because they always had one another to rely on if there wasn't anyone else they could go to. They had each other to support and help throughout their teenage years.
Look at your own families in what types of boundaries there seem to be. What sort of things can you do in your family to create a more clear boundary? How can you help your relationship with that person (or people) grow stronger? Trying to develop a clear boundary might be weird at first, however it will become easier as you put more effort into it. I believe that no matter how "distant" some of our relationships may seem to be, there is always room to start again.
There are many different types of boundaries and many ways in which we show others those types of boundaries.This new family with the white picket fence is clearly a more balanced boundary, in which that family knows where they stand and let others know that right away. Another example of a boundary is caution tape wrapped around the perimeter of a home that has just been burned with fire. That caution tape is indicating to people to be careful and not get too close because it can be dangerous. What sorts of boundaries do you notice in your own families? There could be some who are more welcoming and loving than others, some who contribute to the family off and on or those who don't at all. What sorts of relationships do you have with your family members that create those boundaries? Are there certain events that create them later on in life?
I am going to talk of three specific boundaries found in families. The first boundary is called a "rigid" boundary, in which this boundary is more restrictive, more tense and less free flow. The second is a "clear" boundary. This boundary is very flexible, specific needs are met and rules are clear to follow; very balanced. The last one is called the "diffused" boundary. There is little if no supervision, minimum rules to follow or they aren't clear at all and just very carefree; no set limitations.
A qualitative study on a family was given that shows how immigration impacted Mexican families systems and family boundaries. This story starts off by explaining how the family were well off and very successful in their lives. They spent lots of time with their extended families, the father was a successful businessman, and the mother was a stay-at-home mom. Their lives were pretty balanced in family roles and boundaries were clear.
Fast forward, the parents wanted to move states so the children would have more opportunities in life. The father left the home first; this was super risky and scary. It costed him about $4,000 to cross and he hired someone to help him cross safely. The family guesstimated it would only take him about a year for him to earn enough money to take the rest of his family across the border. However, this wasn't the case and it took three times as long as they had predicted because it was so challenging of him to find work and he only made about $200 a month.
Back at home, there were many changes; family's support system (father) was gone. Therefore, mother had to step up and be the dad for a while, earning money to support her family. She was inexperienced in working so that limited her as to what job she could find. That also limited her with how much money she would make. Grandma stepped in and became "mom" because the mother was gone all day, which shifted her roles from being grandma. The children (a son and daughter) didn't have a father figure around. However, they did grow close to their mother as she stepped in and took charge in providing. When grandma pitched in, the children wouldn't listen to her because she didn't have that "mom authority". The family's extended family used to get together with them to have fun, however now they had to pitch in and help support this family. Life became more of a chore than fun.
Having the father leave the family for a period of time changed the family dramatically. Stress levels rose, parenting roles weren't met as they were supposed to, and the overall balance wasn't very good. How did this affect the boundaries? Let's look at the teenage son. He was about 18 years old when those three years passed. There are a lot of choices for a young 18 year old to make. It's a lot easier making those choices with a parental figure in their life. However, considering the circumstances that was difficult. The teen would have to find a job to not just support himself, but to help raise money so the rest of the family could cross the border. Soon after about three and a half years, the family earned enough money to cross the border and were reunited with their father.
How was it like when they were finally reunited with their father? He was a very different person, as we can imagine they were different as well. Over the years, the children came closer to mom because she stepped up, taking over her husbands roles. Likewise, when their father was there to fulfill those roles, the children weren't used to it and had to adjust. They weren't so close to their father either because they had to deal with not having him around for so long. The mother wasn't as close to her husband either and had to adjust accordingly, allowing her husband to take on his role again.
If we were to look at this family through boundaries, how would it look after the three and a half years?
The mother and father could have had a rigid boundary once they were reunited. The mother had to adjust to allow her husband to take on his role again. That would have taken time, and lots of communication between them both.
The boundary between the mother and her children could have been rigid as well. That stress of her stepping up and taking over the fathers roles for a while caused her children to lose her a little bit from spending time with her. This left her children to have to fend for themselves more than not. However, their boundary could have been a little more welcoming in the sense of how she was always the one there and not their father so her children would talk with her more about life.
The boundary between the father and his children could have been more rigid because they didn't know who the "new" father was, and vise versa with the father's point of view on his children. Since he was never there those last few years, they didn't have that special bonding time to share with him. They would have had to "start over" in getting to know their new father.
The children's boundaries with one another could have been more clear because they always had one another to rely on if there wasn't anyone else they could go to. They had each other to support and help throughout their teenage years.
Look at your own families in what types of boundaries there seem to be. What sort of things can you do in your family to create a more clear boundary? How can you help your relationship with that person (or people) grow stronger? Trying to develop a clear boundary might be weird at first, however it will become easier as you put more effort into it. I believe that no matter how "distant" some of our relationships may seem to be, there is always room to start again.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
I'm a beautiful butterfly!!
Once upon a time there was a father who had two sons and a daughter. The father was always away from the home and off working long periods of time and wasn't available to take care of the kids. The oldest son was usually gone as well, partying with his friends and often showed up home late at night. The second son stayed at home and took care of his younger sister while cooking dinners and cleaning around the house.
A few years later, both sons moved out and each of them got married and started raising a family of their own. The first son would always be gone and wouldn't help his wife take care of their children. His firstborn was out playing around with her friends and would stay away late hours of the night while their second born stayed home taking care of the home with his mother.
The second born son had two children, in which both of them helped around the home and they all had really healthy relationships with one another. What caused these different family structures when both sons were raised in the same family?
We see that in the beginning, the father wasn't home much. That sort of example fell onto the first son, causing him to think it was fine to not be home a lot. The father wasn't around to teach his children and grow that father-child relationship. There wasn't that attachment. The second son stayed home and did the house work. Why didn't he follow in his older brother's direction? Those parenting roles and responsibilities weren't being met by their father. Therefore, the second son felt that "it was his job" to step up and fill those parenting roles. As the years went by, we saw a pattern between the son's future families and how they grew up individually.
Do we notice similar patterns in our own families? What causes these patterns to continue?
It takes approximately 3-4 generations for a habit/tradition to wash out unless someone realizes something needs to be fixed. That being said, if we do have bad habits we wish to change in our families, how do we go about changing them into good ones?
Decisions for Eternity, a general conference talk given by Elder Russell M. Nelson, tells us the importance of our decisions we are making now and how they shape our futures. "each day is a day of decision. President Thomas S. Monson has taught us that “decisions determine destiny.” The wise use of your freedom to make your own decisions is crucial to your spiritual growth, now and for eternity. You are never too young to learn, never too old to change. Your yearnings to learn and change come from a divinely instilled striving for eternal progression. Each day brings opportunity for decisions for eternity (Decisions for Eternity - Russell M. Nelson. (n.d.). Retrieved January 28, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng). "
I love this quote. It gives me hope that we all are able to change our lives. I feel that it's super easy to fall into the trap of thinking "well this is how it's always been, so it's too late for me to change." A caterpillar doesn't look at a butterfly and think, "I'm never going to be that beautiful." Instead, the caterpillar decides to wrap itself in a cocoon and works hard in changing itself into a beautiful butterfly. Was it going to change if it sat around thinking it's never going to be that beautiful? Nope, certainly not. It chose to change into a butterfly. Likewise, we all have to choose to either stay a caterpillar or work to change into a butterfly; something different. It might feel weird and be awkward, however from my personal experiences with changing to good family habits it has been a blessing.
A few years later, both sons moved out and each of them got married and started raising a family of their own. The first son would always be gone and wouldn't help his wife take care of their children. His firstborn was out playing around with her friends and would stay away late hours of the night while their second born stayed home taking care of the home with his mother.
The second born son had two children, in which both of them helped around the home and they all had really healthy relationships with one another. What caused these different family structures when both sons were raised in the same family?
We see that in the beginning, the father wasn't home much. That sort of example fell onto the first son, causing him to think it was fine to not be home a lot. The father wasn't around to teach his children and grow that father-child relationship. There wasn't that attachment. The second son stayed home and did the house work. Why didn't he follow in his older brother's direction? Those parenting roles and responsibilities weren't being met by their father. Therefore, the second son felt that "it was his job" to step up and fill those parenting roles. As the years went by, we saw a pattern between the son's future families and how they grew up individually.
Do we notice similar patterns in our own families? What causes these patterns to continue?
It takes approximately 3-4 generations for a habit/tradition to wash out unless someone realizes something needs to be fixed. That being said, if we do have bad habits we wish to change in our families, how do we go about changing them into good ones?
Decisions for Eternity, a general conference talk given by Elder Russell M. Nelson, tells us the importance of our decisions we are making now and how they shape our futures. "each day is a day of decision. President Thomas S. Monson has taught us that “decisions determine destiny.” The wise use of your freedom to make your own decisions is crucial to your spiritual growth, now and for eternity. You are never too young to learn, never too old to change. Your yearnings to learn and change come from a divinely instilled striving for eternal progression. Each day brings opportunity for decisions for eternity (Decisions for Eternity - Russell M. Nelson. (n.d.). Retrieved January 28, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng). "
I love this quote. It gives me hope that we all are able to change our lives. I feel that it's super easy to fall into the trap of thinking "well this is how it's always been, so it's too late for me to change." A caterpillar doesn't look at a butterfly and think, "I'm never going to be that beautiful." Instead, the caterpillar decides to wrap itself in a cocoon and works hard in changing itself into a beautiful butterfly. Was it going to change if it sat around thinking it's never going to be that beautiful? Nope, certainly not. It chose to change into a butterfly. Likewise, we all have to choose to either stay a caterpillar or work to change into a butterfly; something different. It might feel weird and be awkward, however from my personal experiences with changing to good family habits it has been a blessing.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Does the family matter?
You guys have heard of the baby boom, right? Right after WWII, approximately 1946-1964, the population grew immensely. People were having babies left and right, children all over the streets. Why you may ask? People were happy, and enthusiasm increases desires. In this case, the desire to have children grew, causing the "baby boom". This is a good thing, right?
During these times, the definition of marriage and family was to marry someone and have children with that person, creating a family. That's just what people did, right? That is why men and women were created in such a way that this would work. The roles of mother and father were typically the mother cares and nurtures the children while dad provides for the family. People also married young to start off a family at a decent time. The typical family had about three to four children each. That's just how it was during those times. That being said, what all of a sudden caused the population to drop in the 60's? What sort of actions were people doing to create this kind of a change?
During what is called the 2nd demographic transition in the 60's, the roles of women changed. More women were entering the paid work field instead of staying home with their children. Children were sent to daycare facilities for the mothers to work. Well, that was good, for the mothers to help out in paying the bills with her husband, wasn't it? Let's look a little deeper of the affects these actions may have caused:
More mothers were in the work field. The importance of education for women started to rise so dramatically, that women soon ended up focusing more on the education than getting married and raising a family. What sort of affects did this typically have on the family? Women putting off marriage concluded in the average age of marriage to rise, going from about 19-21 years to 21-23 years old. This age is still rising today. Women waiting to get married resulted in fertility rates decreasing as well. It was normal to have a big family in our parents day and age, however society has changed in which it seems unusual to have a big family anymore.
What about other aspects that may have caused a decrease in fertility rate? A big one is birth control. Once women were able to use that to control when they had children, that also increased the focus of education over family. Once the "pill" came out and people realized that they could sometimes control when to have children, the aspect of sex connected with marriage disconnected. People were having sex for fun instead of thinking about children as being a part of that special connection. People were more opt to live with one another without commitment because of the fear of getting pregnant decreased. All of a sudden, it was "okay" to have sex spontaneously with someone, sometimes anyone.
We talk about this thinking about the decisions the adults make, however let's think in different terms. Who else do these decisions of spontaneous sex, putting off marriage, or having children affect? The children; when someone accidentally gets pregnant that child does not have that choice to come to earth. I feel we overlook all sides of the spectrum and a huge side is the child's life. I think that when we put that child's life into perspective, we will be more opt to make smart decisions in our present and future families. The decisions we make affect not just us, but our families, friends, other loved ones and ultimately the society. Let's all try and make smart decisions today.
During these times, the definition of marriage and family was to marry someone and have children with that person, creating a family. That's just what people did, right? That is why men and women were created in such a way that this would work. The roles of mother and father were typically the mother cares and nurtures the children while dad provides for the family. People also married young to start off a family at a decent time. The typical family had about three to four children each. That's just how it was during those times. That being said, what all of a sudden caused the population to drop in the 60's? What sort of actions were people doing to create this kind of a change?
During what is called the 2nd demographic transition in the 60's, the roles of women changed. More women were entering the paid work field instead of staying home with their children. Children were sent to daycare facilities for the mothers to work. Well, that was good, for the mothers to help out in paying the bills with her husband, wasn't it? Let's look a little deeper of the affects these actions may have caused:
More mothers were in the work field. The importance of education for women started to rise so dramatically, that women soon ended up focusing more on the education than getting married and raising a family. What sort of affects did this typically have on the family? Women putting off marriage concluded in the average age of marriage to rise, going from about 19-21 years to 21-23 years old. This age is still rising today. Women waiting to get married resulted in fertility rates decreasing as well. It was normal to have a big family in our parents day and age, however society has changed in which it seems unusual to have a big family anymore.
What about other aspects that may have caused a decrease in fertility rate? A big one is birth control. Once women were able to use that to control when they had children, that also increased the focus of education over family. Once the "pill" came out and people realized that they could sometimes control when to have children, the aspect of sex connected with marriage disconnected. People were having sex for fun instead of thinking about children as being a part of that special connection. People were more opt to live with one another without commitment because of the fear of getting pregnant decreased. All of a sudden, it was "okay" to have sex spontaneously with someone, sometimes anyone.
We talk about this thinking about the decisions the adults make, however let's think in different terms. Who else do these decisions of spontaneous sex, putting off marriage, or having children affect? The children; when someone accidentally gets pregnant that child does not have that choice to come to earth. I feel we overlook all sides of the spectrum and a huge side is the child's life. I think that when we put that child's life into perspective, we will be more opt to make smart decisions in our present and future families. The decisions we make affect not just us, but our families, friends, other loved ones and ultimately the society. Let's all try and make smart decisions today.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Hello Everyone!
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